Friendship Breakups Suck…
But Can Also Help You Learn to Love Yourself
As a college freshman a few years ago, I came in with a picture-perfect vision of how my life would look. With every possible stereotype from pop culture buzzing around in my mind (sky-rocketing grades, a flourishing social life, and minimal failures), I couldn’t wait to get started on this new chapter in my life. Unsurprisingly, many things didn’t happen exactly according to plan. My first steps on campus were met with raging imposter syndrome, extreme social anxiety, and academic burnout (the age-old tale of adjusting to a competitive college fresh out of an already competitive high school). But at least I had my high school friends to stick it out with me! Right?….Right….?
Okay, so nothing happened according to plan. I experienced some of the most painful years of my life, not because of what was yet to come, but because of what I thought would always be. I experienced pain from the familiar rather than the unknown. But this article isn’t one that is meant to paint a villain or garner sympathy. I’d like to look back at myself and anyone who feels the same- saddened and confused- and reveal the light at the end of the tunnel. You are not defined by the experiences and obstacles that enter your life, but how you interpret such, bounce back, and remain true to yourself.
1. Do Not Make Excuses for Those Who Trample On Your Self Worth
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” -Eleanor Roosevelt
Reflecting back on myself and past relationships, I can definitely say that I’ve had quite a history of people-pleasing. I am a firm believer in killing people with kindness…until you begin disrespecting yourself. All day, every day regardless of where I am (could be in my extracurriculars, during my hospital shift, or even just walking across campus) I always make sure to shoot a genuine smile or greeting. Yes, mixed reactions do happen, but trust me when I say kindness- however fleeting- can affect the course of a person’s day.
In my personal relationships, I loved bending over backward for those I love. And while I will continue showing people how much I care, I want to emphasize that everything should be done in moderation, always remembering that it is more than okay to put yourself first. I know how easy it can be to make excuses for the people in your life: “Oh that’s just the way they are” or “Yeah, but they don’t mean it like that” or even “No, it was totally my fault and I deserved that.” You have so much time, love, and energy to put into yourself and the world around you. It should not be bogged down by feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make, learn through experiences, and never, ever let yourself be treated as subpar.
2. Stop Wondering What You Could Have Done Differently and Start Appreciating Your Efforts
“It’s like my buddy Timon always says: you got to put your behind in the past.”
“No, no, no, amateur. Sit down before you hurt yourself. It’s: you got to put your past behind you” -Walt Disney’s ‘The Lion King’
Okay, just needed a little sprinkle of the best. movie. ever. If you twist some parts around, I think the message is crystal clear. Living and learning are key to a fulfilling life, but ruminating and dwelling in the past can be very detrimental to your peace of mind. And this is something I am still learning to manage to this day. It came to the point where I would nitpick my every move, so much so that I would make up negative thoughts about future events or fictionalize a person’s thoughts about me: “What if I fail this exam…What if I can’t reach this goal in my life and I amount to nothing…Okay, that person is definitely judging me right now and thinks I’m so weird, I think I’ll avoid them forever…I can’t raise my hand in class because everyone will think I’m ridiculous…there’s no point in applying because I’m laughable”….on and on and on.
Please do not self-sabotage yourself. There is no point in creating scenarios for events that haven’t even occurred or judging a person’s opinion of you by thinking that they are judging you (wouldn’t that make you the judgmental one? Are you getting sick of that word yet? :D ). How will you know if you never try? And if you try and do not succeed, then you have a new experience to add to your life story. You can gauge how differently you want to do things in the future…or even better, how you can succeed next time. How amazing is that? To be a person with such valuable thoughts, interests, beliefs, and actions and leave beautiful and unique footprints everywhere you go. Embrace yourself and both the good and bad in life, look back with pride, and see how far you’ve climbed.
3. Learn to Find Peace In Solitude
“But your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths” -Rainer Maria Rilke, “Letters to a Young Poet”
Some people are extroverts, some are introverts, and others are ambiverts somewhere in between. Whether you recharge through spending time with others or by surrounding yourself with your thoughts, I think a common ground emerges with being content with simply yourself. I find that it is better to be alone but never lonely, particularly lonely in a friendship. I was given a piece of advice once that I try to pass on to everyone I meet who is struggling with a similar circumstance: you cannot possibly put time, love, and energy into others without putting time, love, and energy into yourself first. I find this to be true for everyone. Before you work to garner relationships, it is important to be able to stand in front of a mirror and confidently say “Yup, I am content with myself. In a world where it is just me, myself, and I, I know I can thrive.”
Be kind to yourself, because you are just as worthy as the priorities you place outwards. Pick up that journal, don’t let the impending doom of an exam weigh over you, go watch that movie, eat that cookie you’ve been dreaming about, tell yourself how amazing you feel, and don’t be afraid to show the world who you are. Because if you don’t, who will?
