Give & Take
{Why self-sacrifice might not be the best thing for your children as a parent}
Parenting and self-sacrifice
Growing up wasn’t easy for us, it was especially tough on my father. After the loss of my mom, he struggled a lot. A young dad, still in the budding stage of his career, which meant lots of things left to do against the meagre figure on his pay slip. One thing I’m always grateful for is he never sacrificed for us.
He never got to a point where he felt like he needed to sacrifice his dreams just so that he could get us through the tough times. Which is what most people do when faced with such a challenge.
Most parents chose self-sacrifice when faced with such challenges pertaining to their children. A noble choice, or so it seems. Given a chance, a mother would quit her job to take care of her children without thinking twice. An act of pure love. I agree, however, the repercussions for such actions take a toll on the parents without remorse as well.
So as noble as it seems, I do not believe that should be the route to go. No matter how hard the circumstances are, you should not lose a part of you in the hopes of being sufficient for someone else.
Why you shouldn’t sacrifice.
When you give up something for someone, especially a kid, they do not initially comprehend the magnitude of your sacrifice. Hence might not appreciate it as expected, which is understandable. It takes years for them to finally understand what you gave up for them. This will probably be when they are adults.
This means you have sacrificed your whole life, a life that you cannot get back, to provide for what they lacked at a cost that cannot be repaid. Later on in life, most people tend to feel entitled towards their children’s success since they gave up ‘everything’ for them.
Which put harshly, is not truthful. The kids never asked for you to sacrifice your career in the first place, you chose to do so. Hence, they also have a choice. They can choose to share their success with you or choose not to, you can’t penalize them for that.
This is where most parents resort to guilt tripping their children to get what they think they deserve.
You can argue that sacrificing what you had to back then, enabled them to achieve their current success, could be true. But, it doesn’t mean had you not sacrificed they wouldn’t have been successful as well.
You might think there’s nothing wrong with what you did, in fact you might argue you were being a good parent. Setting a good example for them. What you subliminally did was show them that when things get tough, it’s okay to give up somethings for survival. Which isn’t a bad thing but should not always be the case. Sometimes it pays to protect what you have that you worked hard for and strive to grow and acquire more.
Self-sacrifice is so common, if you take a day to carefully observe your life, you’re most likely to find existence of the same in some aspect of your life.
Why we do it.
So, why is it that we crave self-sacrifice every chance we get. Why is it that in almost all the action movies, there’s always that one guy, or girl that takes a bullet to save a loved one?
And we never get bored of it. It’s almost like we need it, why?
Because self-sacrifice evokes more emotion out of us.
Self-sacrifice is dramatic. It calls for attention. It publicizes the cost you had to incur for you to achieve what you want to achieve hence gives instant gratification for our actions.
If you quit your job for your kids’ sake, it’s something you can always talk about over dinner with your friends and family. They’ll always empathize with you. You see it in the movies as well. The self-sacrificing character gets commemorated so well and their image immortalized.
We prefer it because it calls for attention and recognition. However, this is shortsighted in a way since in most cases, it does not achieve the desired results in the long run. It might seem to work short term but becomes very difficult to sustain. It ends up in loathing and regret.
If not self-sacrifice, then what?
So, if not self-sacrifice, what should we do?
Good question.
Self-development is the key.
When faced with a situation that seems daunting for you and your loved ones, it’s not a chance for you to give up the little that you already have. It’s an opportunity that calls for you to grow and be better than you were before. So that you get to keep what you have, and also build capacity to get more to supplement for what you need.
If you feel that your kids need more attention and care at home, rather than quit your job to stay with them, challenge yourself to get a better paying job. Then you can afford a good nanny for your kids.
How about polishing your skills so that you can attract a job that offers a better work life balance as opposed to your current one. Then you get to spend more time with your kids while still being in good financial position to cater for their needs. It sure looks better than quitting to stay at home with them.
And this is not an alien idea. It’s something most of us know yet don’t actualize, why?
Why don’t we do it then?
Self-investment is unappealing. It’s undesirable because it calls for more work and scream for attention nor recognition. It’s subtle. It demands you to have a higher level of discipline to be able to consistently improve yourself.
It requires a higher level of organization to be able to study, work and handle your family as a mother or father without people patting you on the back. This is what most people subliminally run from.
It’s very rare for someone to get an applause for taking evening classes for a whole year just so they could get a promotion or a better job to provide for their family. Nope. No cheers for them.
By the end of that year, most of the sympathy would have already been exhausted on the ones who had to lose something for someone else to gain.
I have heard of ladies praising stay-at-home dads who sacrificed to take care of the kids as the wife worked. Surely seems lovely and is quite a story for an afternoon cookout with friends. But wouldn’t it have been a better story if he could help her out with the bills by getting a job as well?
It wouldn’t be a catchy story for the first three to four years where they both juggle work and family, not at all. But it would be romantic five years down the line when they both retire at 35. Being financial free, taking their time to travel the world with their kids. Ensuring they spend all the time they need with their kids while never having to work again.
But self-development is the road less travelled and less celebrated. Even though it’s very doable, because it’s all a matter of discipline and delayed gratification.
I take this opportunity to commend all you moms, dads, guardians, and siblings who are laboring in silence. Taking up extra classes, extra shifts so that you can provide for your dependents while still creating time to work on your dreams.
You are the unsung heroes of this era. You are the valiant ones, the noble ones because self-improvement is the noble course.
self-sacrfice only earns contempt, self-development earns respect. Jim Rohn
So, keep on going even when no one is cheering you on. One day, it will all be worth it.
From yours truly,
GP.
