Has your faith been challenged ever?
Millions of thoughts multiply into a million more and yet not being able to find answers. Fighting every day with myself as to where am I wrong and eventually ending up finding faults in God. It’s been quite a few months now, I start with seeking answers but end up yelling and blaming Universe. It was so painful that I couldn’t trust Him anymore.
But guess what?
I knew in my heart that blaming Him was not a thing I wanted to do. Deep in my heart, I knew even if the door in front of me was not opening after repetitive efforts, prayers, and manifestation;
turning around and moving away from it, moving away from God, was a wrong path too.
You can’t unlove God, once you have had a taste of His love before. It’s like no matter how much I blame, complain, or hate Him, I know at the core that He is not leaving me anytime. He didn’t come into my life to abandon me after all. He loves me at all times, in all circumstances. It really doesn’t matter to Him if I love him back or hate him.
So after times of loving Him and learning from him everything that I needed to at that time, I got back to my routine life thinking that this wisdom is enough to live this lifetime. But I was wrong. I just had sipped a drop from the ocean. A lot was remaining. A lot.
Gradually, when things did not go the way I wanted them to go. I kept patience. I explored more and more to make things work.
But all in vain. All my efforts went in vain. And what hurts me most till this time is that everything I did was ignored completely. And that means all my emotions, my courage, my pain, my work, and my willingness were of no value.
And my faith was drastically shaken up when things started going against what I wished. The opposite of what you want. It felt like the knife was not just stabbed in my heart, but it was constantly been made to move to deepen the wound, to make it more painful.
A few days ago, I felt tired. Really really tired of abusing God. Because as I said deep down I knew this wasn’t the thing I wanted to do.
Basically, I was not able to trust God and have faith in Him, the way I wanted to.
It was so chaotic inside, that I decided to not fight anymore.
Yesterday, I came across a video where a beautiful soul was saying:
Faith is not a feeling. It’s a choice. And God’s silence does not mean His absence. He is silent for a reason. And faith is all about trusting the unseen. He didn’t hold you to leave you later.
I have heard a lot before also, but listening to this at that moment did have an impact on me. As if God was directly answering my question: Have you abandoned me?
It felt like a drop of love was dropped on my wounds of hatred.
I don’t know why God is making me question everything that he had taught me and wanted me to inculcate. But at this moment, I choose to feel the soothing effect of that drop. I needed it. It’s been a long time since I am experiencing anything that is a little less painful.
Thank you for reading, you lovely soul! Just uncluttering the thoughts here this time. Writing is my survival pill.
Keep going !❤ (No matter what)
