Have you ever been in love?
“uhh… I think so”
That was her reply to me and I told her she hadn’t been in love. And then I quickly added with a person. She squinted at me as though the last part of the sentence confused her. I picked up on it but remained silent; I was feeling like a guru. You see I wanted her to be the one who would ask the next question and after a few seconds, it came.
“What did you mean by that?”
“By what?” I asked back with that aloof tone.
“What did you mean by I have never been in love with a person? Why did you specify ‘with a person’?”
“Ahah!!” I couldn’t hide the excitement in my voice. I was about to wake someone else up. So I started…
Nobody is new to love. We have all experienced it from one angle or another. Either we felt it for someone or something, or it was shown to us. When we are born (assuming we are born to human parents), our parents show us love and that is how we learn to love. However, there is a flaw there because I know a lot of adults who weren’t shown love (as children) or reassured of the love felt towards them — yeah let’s just say they are ‘damaged’ (I say that with all the love in my heart…ironic).
“Okay that makes sense so far” she said. Honestly, I had forgotten she was sitting there. I was already lost in my own thought. I continued, however…
Love is…is… damn it!! I don’t even know how to put it into words. Let me go online. She just sat there watching me. I grabbed my phone and then I told her (as I am telling you), “just let me get the definition; I know what I’m gonna say next”
Ahh!! Here it is. According to Goodthereapy
Love is complex. A mix of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs associated with strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect
There’s more to that definition and yes it gets crazier than that but we’ll start from there. Love is complex but there are some basic characteristics that combine to validate its existence — and we have felt those things before at some point. Love though, from my experience, takes a different form depending on what it is directed to. And that is what makes it complex.
“Interesting,” she said.
Oh wow, she’s still here I thought to myself. I had drifted off again but I managed to hide it.
The Greeks identified three types of love:
- Eros (sexual love)
- Philia (Sexless love…lol. Actually philia is love shown between family members and really close friends)
- Agape (unconditional love)
While understanding it from the Greek’s point of view is great, what do you say to siblings who have sex? (don’t do that with your face) Or to people who only have sex and nothing else? (what kinda love is that?). Would you call love for a pet or a sport unconditional? Really? What can I say? Love is complex. So let’s try and understand it my way.
I feel love is a vibration. It is on a frequency of its own; just like humor. Some people have a sense of humor, they can understand jokes but can’t make them. Others know what will get people laughing but they don’t laugh themselves. For some, humor is such a part of them that they see the funny side of everything. And then there are those unfortunate souls that are just not on that frequency. For those who are, these people have accessed a part of the humor frequency and there is a feeling attached to that frequency. Think of how you feel when you laugh. You really can’t put a finger on it until you are actually there. Love is kinda like that. It is a vibration that has a feeling attached to it. But it’s more!!
“I know right? I told you once the definition was out of the way, I would blow your mind”. I could see that she was beginning to understand.
“Go on please,” she said.
Love gets deeper the more you sustain the actions you associate with the feeling. But let’s talk about the love of music, then money, before we come to the love of another human being — and then come to “being in love” (that’s advanced stuff)
A lover of music feels alive when singing (or listening to music — depending on what side of the frequency they are on). Time stands still when they are in that place. They could go on for hours without thinking about food. They can’t help but think about music from time to time. But it wasn’t always like that. This ‘love’ must have started somewhere. Perhaps it was the first time they heard a particular singer grace the stage at their church, or maybe a TV. They saw something in the music they believed they could be a part of. They saw how they could contribute to music and so they took the first step (perhaps they learned the song and sang along or started taking lessons). One thing led to another and they stayed consistent on the path of giving their attention to what they found admirable about music. Years later, time is stopping when they are ‘doing’ music. They have gotten better at it and they understand it because they cared enough to learn it and abide by its rules — they cared enough about music to be willing to change themselves in order to be worthy of it (vocal lessons, rehearsals, etc). Can you relate?
Go back and read about the music lover. Then you can see how the lover of money operates. Then you can see how it is when you love another person. But dare I say, you are not in love until the other person feels for you, the same way you feel for them…and is willing to go the extra mile for you as you are willing to go for them.
It’s not what many want to hear. Being in love is a fantasy until both entities are in that same frequency. While it can happen for everyone, it won’t because loving a person is not like loving a car or money. Those other things are objects and are inanimate for the most part; they don’t move until we tell them to move. But loving another person is a different ball game because to make it work, to actually be ‘in love’ is to give up a bit of control. When we do that, Eros, Philia, and Agape become one.
It does feel like the love you have for a car or a sport — but those things can’t give you love back and though many are trying to deny it, we need that love back. Receiving love makes us better human beings and just like laughter, no one needs to tell you what it feels like
When you are there, you know.