When You Start Validating Your Trauma, Your Entire Life Changes
Transformation begins with accepting your story
For years, I felt unworthy of expressing my grief.
The idea that others would see my struggles was far-fetched. Every time, I craved to belong, they made trauma a competition — “Let’s see who has it worse, you or me?”. Or, even rejected the notion that I am stressed.
I felt like a voice lost in the noise.
Most of you reading this can relate to the lonely feeling of dealing with trauma. But, there must come a moment when you stop seeking permission to feel your pain. You must start validating your experiences.
The life-changing realisation
What changed my mind about my struggles was my growing anxiety.
It affected my work, relationships and personal growth. How could I continue to deny the truth when it was damaging every aspect of my life?
People who dismiss your emotions as “not a big deal” or ‘just in your head’ reflect their lack of empathy. It has got nothing to do with you.
Their inability to understand mental health struggles doesn’t diminish their reality. It simply shows their ignorance.
And the worst thing you can do to yourself is trust their judgment over yours. Gaslighting your emotions destroys your self-esteem, and you become your own bully. It is heartbreaking.
When you approve your battles, your wounds become visible to you. Then, you can begin to tend to them.
Easier said than done, right?
What makes self-validation hard
Self-validation is hard because we see ourselves through the eyes of others.
Sociologist Charles Clooney explains this in his theory — the “looking-glass self”:
We base our sense of self on how we believe others view us. Using social interaction as a type of “mirror,” people use the judgments they receive from others to measure their worth, values, and behaviour.
Most people internalise the thought that their life is of value when others approve it.
This mindset makes it difficult to trust your emotions. You shun your gut feeling, even at the expense of your well-being.
Another reason self-validation isn’t enough is because evolution has hardwired us to seek outside approval. A sense of belonging is one of our prime needs. For our early ancestors, it determined their survival. No wonder it is inherent in us.
The trouble arises when external validation solely becomes your point of existence.
In doing so, you give your power in someone else’s hands. And their rejection traps you in shame and guilt, leaving you to second-guess your sadness.
As I said, validating yourself is hard when you choose others’ opinions over your intuition.
The power of self-acceptance
When you accept your trauma, you create an opportunity for healing.
As much as you desire outside approval, the reality is: that it is not in your control. But, you do have control over your choices.
By choosing to validate your issues you find a way to outgrow them.
Yes, it takes vulnerability to accept yourself for who you are. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
There is profound truth in what philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Accepting your journey gives you the courage to unlearn self-sabotaging beliefs. It brings clarity and intention in finding ways to grow.
So, if you want to reclaim your agency — listen to your grief. Do not reject your misery. Feel it; without apologies.
Sure, healing won’t happen overnight. It’s a journey. But, start today, and you will build resilience; one step at a time.
Create the safe space you never had.
The simple ways I validate myself
Now, I have started acknowledging my struggles.
Positive affirmations have helped me a lot. Some affirmations that I constantly use.
- My trauma is not up for competition. It can coexist with others’ experiences.
- What I am going through is real, even if it cannot be seen.
- I didn’t choose my pain. But, I can choose to deal with it.
- I don’t blame myself for my grief.
- Today, I am struggling. Tomorrow, I will be stronger.
I have also established personal boundaries. I step out of situations which invalidate my journey. And remind myself: that it’s okay if others don’t see me. I do.
Taking time alone to reflect on how am I doing has worked out for me. If I am overwhelmed, I ask: How can I take care of myself right now?
Or, If I have the emotional capacity to process, I journal to figure out the cause of the trigger. What is it telling me about me? When I struggle to find an answer, I still allow myself to feel my pain.
I take external comments with a grain of salt. It is liberating to recognise that people’s actions and responses are a reflection of them. It frees me from the burden of their opinions.
Recently, I have started keeping a box of notes. Every time, I conquer a difficult feeling I drop a note in it. Revisiting it in my moments of self-doubt gives me confidence.
Bringing it all together
Validating your trauma is a tough journey but, it’s worth it.
We cannot change what happened to us. Or how people perceive our challenges. But, we can change how we treat ourselves.
Start seeing the reality of your pain. Show yourself compassion. Give yourself time to process your emotions. Just take one courageous step to begin the journey of growth.
That’s how you turn shame into healing.
