How do we stay connected in an increasingly isolated world
My personal story in navigating loneliness
Do you ever feel the need to:
- appear busy? finding new hobbies and work to do
- scroll social media to check on what your friends are up to?
- text and share reels with others?
But despite all that, you feel so very alone. And you wish to yourself if you could meet someone you could have a much deeper connection with. That is very much my story.
I thought about what I was doing wrong. Maybe I was not socially active enough- so I went out to meet more people at volunteer events, sporting events, and so on. But those connections hardly lasted.
Then I tried to improve my communication skills to become more charismatic. It did seem to work, but in the end, the connections were superficial at best.
I was very frustrated. Nothing seemed to work. Am I just a boring guy people aren’t interested in hanging around with? Or is it my looks that turn people off?
But I came to make peace with my situation by realising 5 simple truths:
(1) Be interested rather than be interesting
This is taken from Dale Carnegie’s oft-quoted book How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Rather than scratching your head to come up with interesting stories and jokes, oftentimes the key to a good conversation is to be interested in what the other person has to say. Listen.
Listening I think is a lost art nowadays. Gen Zs are now about speaking up about issues that they may talk over one another. We are glued to our handphones rather than being fully present with the person we are talking to. With the rise of short-form content like TikTok, our attention span has been significantly reduced and we often lose track of what the person is talking about.
Nowadays, rather than walloping in my own worries, I consciously remind myself to be present in the conversation. Listen. I put my phone aside. I force myself to listen intently by paraphrasing whatever the person has said. I want them to feel heard- something that I think we all crave yet we hardly get.
(2) Each connection is different
Not every connection has to be deep and ever-lasting. Some connections may well be “fair-weathered friends” that leave you at the first sign of trouble. But that does not mean that you cannot share a good laugh with them. Others may be more superficial. But you guys can still talk about an interest you both share e.g. food.
Each connection brings something to the table- something that we can learn from or get inspired by. Appreciating that fact makes us more open to meeting new people, rather than isolating ourselves from the world. You never know if people who are vastly different from you(that you initially may not like) may be great friends down the line. Keep an open mind.
(3) Be willing to have difficult conversations
This point is something I struggled with. I have on occasion struggled with touchy subjects like drugs, sex, deaths, etc. While I wanted to share my thoughts with people on these matters, I was very hesitant to do so in conversations(even with my close friends and family).
You see, I had the impression that conversations should be light-hearted and fun. I thought that bringing up these issues would kill the vibe. Especially growing up in an Asian family where speaking of “death” is taboo- and my parents would quickly shut off any talk of the matter.
However, I strongly believe that it is my sharing of these difficult topics that led to some of my strongest relationships. In engaging in difficult conversations with people, I believe that we are emotionally resonating with each other on a much deeper level. We see past the more superficial sides of someone and catch a glimpse of who they truly are. That I think makes us “interesting” to talk to. The willingness to have a difficult conversation with a person also shows that you trust them enough to talk about these issues- further strengthening the relationship.
This is why more and more, I have begun to be more willing to explore difficult topics with my friends and loved ones. Such talk I realised does not have to be sullen and serious the entire time. It all depends on how you set the tone and facilitate the discussion. If the person is not willing to talk on such difficult matters, you can always revert back to what you were talking about previously.
(4) Your value is not dictated by others
From a young age, I always felt the need to please others. When others were angry or disappointed in me, I felt it was my fault or that I fell short. It made socialising with people rather tiring because I had to constantly care about what they thought of me.
My happiness was volatile- it rose and fell along with what I think people thought of me. My self-esteem took a great hit. It made me want to hide in my shell, unwilling to interact with the outside world. Yet, I craved the thought of forming genuine relationships with others.
I realised such a mode of thinking was simply unsustainable. I should not care what others thought of me- they can either love me or hate me.
However, putting this principle into practice was way harder than I thought. Different people have different ways of achieving this. For me, this came from turning to Christ. Knowing that God loves me unconditionally and that he sent his only son to die for us gave me hope. At least in this universe, there is someone who always will value me, whose mind and heart will not change.
This made me regain my self-esteem to step out into the world once more. To interact with more people, expand my relations, and forge new relationships.
(5) Prioritise those that matter
Know which people you like and dislike. Spend much more time with the people you like, those are the people worth keeping.
Life is too short to just go with the flow and maintain niceties. It is not very often someone who you can click with very well or whom you respect come by. So seize the opportunity to make and deepen that connection. You will be quite thankful for it.
Did I lose a lot of friends? Numerically, yes. I stopped talking to a lot of them. But I believe that the ones I stayed in touch with are the ones who are worth keeping and who are worth my time.
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