CAREGIVING: LOVE IS A VERB
How Fast Do I Let Her Die?
and…Gratitude for ‘Stories’
The letting go is hard. It comes in stages, just like children have growth spurts, then plateau, then ‘break up’ and then spurt again. And I’ve noticed Mom declines in the same way, but in reverse. She plateaus, then there’s a rough spot and then another slide down before plateauing again.
I feel hopeful during the plateaus. Maybe her body is curing the antibiotic-resistant UTI. Maybe the walnuts are helping her dementia. Then the rapid slide comes and hope falters. I struggle to accept a new stage of lost competencies. I feel sad and frustrated and guilty and irritable, sometimes even angry, all at the same time. Tears come when I am alone and still.
Anticipatory grief Hospice calls it. Different from post-death grief, but it can be just as hard, sometimes even more painful.
A neighbor says, why are you trying so hard? You will get your life back when she goes. But something in me won’t let go of a drive to do all I can to keep her alive.
It’s not just letting go of my mom to die. It’s letting go of all the little things that I could be doing, that she could be doing, that would enable her to live and to feel better while living.
