How I am Practicing ‘Detaching with Love’
With the help of a compassionate hospice nurse
“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.” Simone Weil, French philosopher
The word “detach” or “non-attachment” has always sounded cold to me. So when a friend mentioned the Al-anon phrase ‘detach with love,’ it caught my attention. Love is something I can get behind.
The concept of non-attachment is nothing new.
In the Buddhist tradition, it’s considered a “letting go of our attachment to impermanent and ultimately unsatisfying things, including material possessions, relationships, thoughts, and emotions. This is what they believe paves the path toward inner peace and contentment.
The Spanish Catholic priest St. Ignatius called it indifference,“being detached enough from things, people, or experiences to be able either to take them up or to leave them aside…..it’s the capacity to let go of what doesn’t help me to love God or love others — while staying engaged with what does.”
Deborah Adele, in The Yamas & Niyamas, explains the fourth Yamas Aparigraha of the yoga sutra as letting ”go of the clinging to the thing, not the enjoyment of the thing itself. Letting go of the ownership opens us up to full engagement with what is set before us in the present moment.”
Great thinkers and leaders from all different linages have landed on a similar knowing,
the more we flow with life and lighten our grip, the less constriction and friction we experience in our mind, body, and soul.
When we are tangled in the extremes of emotions, clinging to ownership when its unattainable, or overly dependent on something that is temporal it becomes almost impossible to see and live into what is real. As Simone said, “reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.”
My Journey of Detaching with Love
As I type, I am sitting at my mom’s bedside shortly after being admitted into hospice care. Sorry if that is too raw, honestly, writing for me is therapy to help make sense of things.
My mom is a wonderful human and engaged mom and grandma. I can’t change the temperance of life or her “transitioning,” as the hospice nurse called it. What I can do is allow the reality of life to unfold as it is without strapping on the boxing gloves and fighting the inevitable.
I know I need to feel all the feels to heal, and I have learned it’s best to do the feeling in real time. I cry when I need to cry. I speak up when I need help. I move my body when I need to process emotions through. I am consciously riding the wave of this awful, terrible situation as it happens.
Also read: Life is an “Eccentric Privilege”
I am learning to loosen my grip of the illusion of ownership of my Mom’s life, just as she is loosening her grip on her life on earth.
Her hospice nurse has been a Godsend. And bearing witness to her tender care of my Mom during this time has been humbling. Caretakers of this phase of life have a unique perspective, one that I now have a slightly better understanding.
“A bird cannot hold its perch and fly. Neither can we grasp anything and be free.” — Deborah Adele
Our hospice nurse has gifted me an unforgettable lesson, which is this:
While staying awake to reality means holding things loosely, it doesn’t mean I have to love them any less. I will always love my Mom dearly. The true gift of detaching with love is being aware enough to fully live the moments of life I have the privilege to experience. And here is what I feel is the trickiest part: to carry this awareness into those moments I would prefer not to have as part of my story. The truth is, it’s the whole messy jumble of the sweet and heartbreaking that makes a meaningful, precious, and full life.
Questions I am Asking Myself
And as my bandwidth expands, I am beginning to wonder, how else can I take this new lens of seeing what’s real into other areas of my life.
Are there areas weighing me down with unhealthy attachment? An ownership to a person, belief, material item, or even a comfort that I can reframe my relationship with?
Where in my life could I find more openness and engagement with what is set before me (even if its something I would not prefer)?
Not easy questions for sure, but worth the effort. How about you?
Any discoveries? Share in the comments, I am listening.
