How I Chose My Husband
We dated and got married within 9 months of knowing ourselves
April 13th will always be my favourite day of the year. It was the day I tied the knot with my sweetheart.
Growing up, I was frightened by the thought that I might not choose the right partner for marriage, and would consequently not enjoy my marriage. This thought which was triggered by my witnessing of the turbulent marriage of my parents, stayed in my heart like a tattoo.
To make it worse, I’d always stumble across stories of how couples endured physical and emotional abuse in marriage, engaged in extramarital affairs or even worse, end their vows in a messy divorce. Such tales seemed to hit social media everyday.
I was worried. In fact, I was scared. Could it mean there are no good marriages out there? Anyone?
If you’re reading this, and it resonates with you already, then keep reading. There’s a way, and it worked for me.
Today, although my marriage is barely 4 months old, I can say that I am happy. I know I am happy because I am certain I didn’t make a wrong decision. Yes, I beat my long-borne fear by doing this:
Defining What I Wanted in My Husband
Yes, yes I know you’ve heard this a thousand times. But stick with me, please.
There’s a saying, “If you don’t know where you’re headed, everywhere would look like a destination.” That’s true. But I would like to add, “The map which directs you to where you’re headed should be as simple as possible so you don’t get confused.”
Oh Sonia, what do you mean? Go to the point already!
What I’m saying is, I knew where I was going — I wanted to marry a good man.
I needed a map to take me to where I’m going — A realistic list of what I define a good man to be for me.
I made the map simple — I didn’t complicate my list with long and unrealistic traits. I made an all-inclusive list with just 3 components.
Whoever I was to choose as my husband must;
1. Show Commitment to God
I’m a Believer. He ought to be one too. I mean, it’s common sense to marry someone with same religious beliefs as you. For me, that was non-negotiable.
I wasn’t just looking for someone who claimed to be a Christian or who just warms the bench in church. I wanted someone who had and does express their reverence and service to God.
This helped me shorten the number of suitors on the line by more than half.
2. Be Committed to himself
Ambition. I wanted someone whose desire to improve and achieve more for himself was insatiable. I mean, being a star student all my life, I could describe myself as someone who wants excellence.
I have dreams and aspirations and I didn’t want a man who would talk down on my dreams just because he himself is okay with mediocrity.
Yet again, this criteria reduced my options to less than a third.
3. Express Commitment towards me
It’s easy for anyone to say “I love you”. Especially when the person in reference is a beautiful woman. Suddenly every man begins to ‘love’ her.
Such words meant little or nothing to me. I wanted the man I would marry to take keen interest in my life — my career, my academics, my future, my present, my past.
I knew I’d do everything within my ability to reciprocate same because I care for family.
I had so many aspirations, so many career and business plans I wanted to do at same time, even when I knew clearly it wouldn’t be feasible to pursue all at once. So I needed someone who could help me with a bit of advice and refining here and there.
Having a husband in that capacity would be the best chance.
Guess what? I was lucky. The man I’m married to today had all 3 on my list.
You notice how simple my criteria were? I wasn’t particular about his wealth, physique, charisma, knowledge, sense of humor, style of dressing, and the many other countless insignificant qualities young women look out for in a man.
Catch a breath, sis!
You can as well create your man yourself.
I wasn’t particular about all those extra things because they can be improved on. They’re secondary. They won’t contribute to the goodness of my marriage.
I knew if my husband is committed to God as a Believer, he wouldn’t do anything hurt me deliberately. He would be kind to me and other people. Because he fears God.
I understood that if he is committed to himself and his goals, even if he didn’t have all the money we’d need at first, it’d only be a matter of time before he’d take advantage of opportunities and amass great wealth.
Of course, if he shows commitment to me, he would push me to do great things for myself, invest in my academics, career, business, he’d give support and guidance. My welfare will be priority to him.
So, make your map simple. Don’t chase the potential husband away with your long lists. Cut the chase and help that young man.
This is not a call to settle. It’s a call to be realistic in your expectations. And in all your definitions, be sure you have as much good qualities to offer in return. Marriage is beautiful when it is mutually beneficial.
Cheers,
Sonia.
