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How I Stopped Caring About Being the Thinnest Person in the Room
It hinged on one tangled question and one not-so-easy answer.
I spent nearly 15 years of my life caring more about being thin than I did about my intelligence, my interests, my success, my spirituality, and (clearing my throat as I type this last one), my family and friends.
Without being “Skinny Mikaela,” who was I? Not only was I fearful to find out; I lacked the desire to do so.
My brain had been so hijacked by my eating disorder that I was convinced nothing or no one could ever possibly make me feel as good as being the thinnest person in the room.
Until one day, by the grace of one question and one painfully honest answer, I opened my mind to the possibility that maybe—just maybe—my immensely bruised and contaminated brain was completely full of shit.
And maybe—just maybe—that question might have a similar effect on you.
THE Question
Treatment for any kind of mental illness tends to come with a slew of hard questions and deep introspection. Some of the most common (and very important) ones are:
Why do you want to recover?
What happened to you that led you to this point?
Who do you hope to be someday?
These questions open the door to self-compassion for all you’ve endured in the past and all you hope to experience in the future, but they don’t always give you the jolt you need to take meaningful action.
A question that uncovers who you are—right now—on the other hand, just might have that impact. For me, that question was:
Would I rather continue living in resistance to my body and being swallowed by my eating disorder, or start being kinder to my body (even if I don’t like it right now) and see where that leads me?
To be completely honest, this question really fucked with me. There was no definitive, clear answer, but it at least forced me into having that “come-to-Jesus” moment with myself I’d long been…
