How I Stopped Hating People
and empathizing a little more…
“Holding onto anger is like grasping a burning coal in hand with the intent of throwing it at someone else. But it’s you who is getting burned.” ~Buddha
“I don’t feel like going to this party. She’ll be there and I just can’t stand her.” I said to my husband after he told me that our common friend was hosting a birthday party. I threw up my hands once I got to know that Sheila was also coming to the party.
Sheila was not my friend or relative. She was a friend of our common friend and I had occasionally met her during get-togethers with our friends. From the very first meeting, I found her obnoxious and developed an instant dislike towards her.
She was very loud, and nosy and didn’t shy a bit while asking highly personal questions or making sly remarks. Her husband used to sit quietly in a corner, while she seemingly tried hard to seek everyone’s attention by throwing jokes, that often involved other people’s appearance, jobs, and relationships.
I felt bad for the poor husband, who had to tolerate her antics every day. As someone who’s very private about their life in public settings, I found her jokes to be very distasteful.
“Your hair looks rough. You should get some treatments at the Salon I go to,” she uttered loudly while looking at me. I looked at her in disbelief and gave her an awkward smile. Oh, she’s the worst, I thought.
So naturally, when my husband told me that there would be a party at our friend’s place, and she was going to be there, I wasn’t too excited about it. But eventually, I gave in to my husband’s insistence.
We went to the party and began catching up with a few friends. After a while, I saw Sheila entering the party with her husband. She seemed quieter than usual with a forceful smile on her face.
It was hard to miss the bright green eyeshadow and the foundation she was wearing, making her skin appear lighter than it was. “Someone tell her it’s not a wedding”, Carrie spoke while sipping her glass of wine, before I would come up with something snarky. She further added, “I wonder who invites her to these parties. No one really likes her.”
I would have taken joy in the fact that someone ‘hated’ the same person as me if I wasn’t too busy wondering why she was behaving so unlike her. It was unusual for her to sit in a lonely corner quietly sipping her drink and trying to avoid eye contact with others in the room.
The host of the party, Mona joined in our conversation and I asked her, “Is she not well?”, momentarily turning my eyes towards Sheila.
After a short pause, she started speaking, “I’ve heard that her husband has been physically abusing her for a while. She told me the other day that it has been going on since the beginning of her marriage.”
My jaw dropped as she continued in a mild whisper, “At first, he had hit her on one or two occasions and apologized later. She forgave him thinking he wouldn’t do it again but in the past few months, it has become more frequent. I think she’s trying to hide her bruises with that loud makeup.”
I felt my heart sinking. I was trying to articulate my thoughts while pushing through the weight of guilt. I was overwhelmed with remorse for all the things I had said about her based on the presumptions. “Why doesn’t she leave him then? She must file an FIR against him.” I spoke while glancing at Sheila with a newfound sympathy.
“Oh, you know how it is. She doesn’t have the support of her parents or a job of her own. And with two kids, it’s harder to live as a single mother. Where would she go?”
I felt helpless and noticed an anger building up inside me, as I caught sight of her husband, laughing with a bunch of other guys.
How I thought that he was the one, who had to tolerate her.
Only if I knew what was going on in her life.
She didn’t have a voice at home, perhaps which is why she was so outspoken with others.
Her self-esteem was hurt badly which perhaps pushed her to criticize others.
Her loud behavior was a coping mechanism.
I was trying to understand her behavior and my hatred towards her was diminishing quickly.
Does her turbulent life gives her the right to be an ass to others? NO.
But does knowing her circumstances change my perception of her? YES.
This incident gave me a lesson for life.
To not be so quick to judge someone and assume the worst about people.
I hate this colleague of mine.
I hate my boss.
I hate my teacher.
I hate my father.
We often say this or hear this from others. Funny how most people do not shy away from using the word ‘hate’ so easily. Such a strong emotion and so easily invoked.
You have to understand that,
Everyone has their story. Everyone has their sh*t to deal with.
Most often, someone’s personality is defined by their childhood and circumstances in life.
Do not hate someone because you don’t like their personality.
Do not hate someone because someone doesn’t act the way you want them to.
Do not hate someone because their opinions are different from yours.
Think about it,
Won’t you be much more tolerant of people, if you knew all the things they’ve been struggling with?
If your answer is Yes.
Try this exercise today,
Think of someone you hate (dislike, resent).
What is it about them that makes you hate them?
Is it something that is a reflection of what you feel about yourself?
A lot of times, the people we hate are the ones that trigger our inner insecurities or negative traits.
Is there something you can improve in yourself, that would make you hate the other person less?
If yes, work on it and you will feel the difference in your emotions for that person very soon.
But, how can I not hate my abuser?
Yes, you can. You have every right to. It’s natural to hate someone who has done something bad to you or abused you physically and mentally. Some traumas are hard to let go of. I get it. I have been there.
But, you have to understand that the emotions that you’re holding onto are harming you more than the other person.
Learn to forgive. Forgive, not for the perpetrator, but for YOU. You deserve to let go of the negative emotions that hold you back from having mental peace.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and realize that the prisoner was you.” — Lewis B. Smedes
In short, you have to focus on improving yourself. Control your emotions and actions instead of focusing on what others can improve in themselves.
Set boundaries. Do not allow everyone to get under your skin. Do not let anyone steal your thunder.
While you can’t control someone’s actions, you CAN control your reaction.
