How I turned my Socially Anxious (SAD) life around in 12 weeks (+12 years)
13 years ago, I was a shy person. I recall peeping through the curtains at my house. I wanted to ensure “the coast was clear” of neighbors, before darting to my car to go to the store.
My heart would beat faster as I approached the checkout counter. I feared the clerk would ask me “how’re you doing?”
How do you even respond to “How’re you doing”? Am I expected to describe my day?
Perplexed, I once asked an American friend who said — you say “Hi”, or you can say whatever you’re thinking.
Say “whatever you’re thinking…?”
I was 5 years post-therapy before I understood what they meant. But I’m getting ahead of my story.
One evening we invited our neighbors over for dinner. I remember forcing laughter at jokes I did not get, talking brightly to fill pauses and drinking too much.
Afterward, I lay in bed, wide awake. I was re-living mortifying moments from the past evening, over and over.
When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I took myself downstairs and googled “embarrassment at dinner”.
A trail of links led to the discovery that it was not my “personality” that was the problem, but a “condition” called “social anxiety disorder”: SAD.
I had been shy all my life and never realized it was considered a “disorder”.
In India, where I grew up, “shyness” is a desirable trait in a female. In my teen years, I hid happily behind the approved label.
But now I lived in the US & had done so for 20 years. I held a job, had friends, pretended to be outgoing & fooled most people.
This was at an enormous cost. Every interaction, with strangers, acquaintances, or even worse, groups of people, was agonizing & exhausting.
I was determined to find a way to “fix” this disorder.
Google surfaced a 12-week study on cognitive behavior therapy for social anxiety at Boston University’s CARD — center for anxiety & related disorders.
I sent an email right then and there, completed a stack of questionnaires, underwent a phone interview & scored 80 on the Liebowitz scale of social anxiety — this was somewhere between “marked” and “severe” social phobia.
I joined the study.
The First 5 Sessions
I learned a bunch of stuff I already knew: That I was focussing on negative reactions to me etc etc.
Knowing it doesn’t mean that you “feel” it. It did not help very much, but it did set me up for the next stage of treatment.
The Exposure Sessions
The exposure sessions were the key.
The therapist helped me set up “anxiety-provoking” tasks for myself. I would do the task (under distant supervision). I would discuss the interaction with the therapist & understand what actually happened.
Here’s an example of the sessions.
The first session: Speak on a topic you know nothing about, in front of strangers, with no preparation.
After you run out of things to say, keep standing there doing nothing. Every 3–4 minutes, the therapist asks you to assess your anxiety on a 1–10 scale.
You assess your anxiety at 10 a couple of times, then at 8 and 7, and finally at 2, because by then, you’re feeling….bored.
You’re finally allowed to sit down.
What you learn is, that no matter how anxious you get, if you simply do nothing, the anxiety dissipates. This was a very helpful “experience”. I often used it later.
Other sessions I remember -
- Make a phone call to Iceland air & ask for the details of a flight your sister is on, from Dublin. The airline does not have flights to Dublin. You have to insist on speaking to the supervisor.
- Ask for directions to Kenmore Square, while standing in Kenmore Square.
- Stand in a coffee shop line with 5–6 people behind me. Take out a handful of change to pay and take your time counting each coin out.
- Ask a random couple at an outdoor restaurant, how their food is. Do this while wearing a tall Dr. Zeus hat.
- Buy a book on “addiction to sex”. Exit the bookshop. Then go back in and return it.
These sessions were difficult. But I recall feeling a thrill after completing each one.
The debrief at the end of each session helped me internalize that people were not judging me. I had improved a little by the end of 12 weeks.
I was nowhere near “cured”.
12+ Years
What I did not realize was that the process that started with those 12 weeks, continued for the next 12 years.
Each year, I was a little more at ease in a wider set of situations. My stress levels started melting away.
I started looking for more socially stressful situations. I would try them out and realize I was able to generalize the lessons I had learned. I was able to relax in these situations as well.
After about 7–8 years, I realized, to my surprise, that I was more outgoing & comfortable than many of the people I met.
Other changes had taken place inside me. I believe these were the changes that were key to my overcoming Social Anxiety.
Deeper changes
They distill down into 6 — #1 being the most important and the hardest.
Closing Off the Meta Chatter in your Head
“Meta” thoughts are when you spend a lot of energy prepping and reviewing what you’re about to say.
This occupied a very large part of my brain. Once I learned to undo this, it freed up energy and spontaneous responses I never realized I had inside me.
It took years of effort. The closest example is learning to meditate. The meta chatter keeps invading. I had to practice gently turning it away and keeping my focus on the conversation.
I don’t think I could have advanced to #2, without mastering this.
Step Aboard a Strangers Train
When you have a conversation with anyone, “step aboard their train” & share their journey with them.
What they describe turns into a movie where you are an active observer.
Ask questions to fill in the blanks in the movie. This makes even boring conversations more interesting. Small talk can often change course and turn into lively conversation.
It also helps in staying away from meta thoughts.
Express Unfiltered Thoughts
When a thought occurs in your head, express it unfiltered.
This was not easy. I would be concerned about what the other person would think & feel.
As I practiced, I realized that transparency made for much more interesting conversations.
I learned to stay away from platitudes and polite responses — they distance you from people.
Comfort with Silence & Pauses
I grew comfortable with pauses and silences, where my thoughts had drifted off for a few moments.
Talking with Shy People
It’s hard to put other shy people at ease (yes, very ironic).
When I was shy, I talked a lot to avoid an awkward silence. But the silence was awkward only because of all the meta chatter in my head.
Once the meta chatter was gone, real thoughts came to my head. I had the option of sharing the thought if I wanted to. The awkwardness melted away.
Shy people often listen with half an ear. Like my former self, they‘re thinking of what to say next.
Asking about something they cared about, would sometimes get them talking freely.
Custodian of my Body & Mind
This is the most important one that helped me to “become myself”.
I started to think of my inner core as a person separate from “me”. This “inner me” was the true hero of the story.
The main reason to make my life safe and secure and worthwhile was to set this inside person free.
In Conclusion
Those 12 short weeks, with a 2-hour commitment to go in every week, were the best investment I’ve made in my life.
I’m very very glad I took that step. The results (after 12 years), far exceeded my expectations.
If you choose to embark on this journey and have questions, feel free to reach out.
