How I Wasted My Time Reading Self-Help Books And What Worked Instead
Before I tell you my story, and as a disclaimer, I want you to know that I don’t think all self-help books are useless or ineffective. Some of them, when used correctly, could lead you to outstanding results. Now that I got that out there. Let me tell you about my journey.
1. A harsh life
A couple of years back, my life was falling apart. I was in a dead-end job that I hated, I had few friends, and my romantic life was non-existent. I didn’t pursue my passions because I didn’t have any time for them. I would come home tired from work, have dinner, sleep, then the next day I would start the same cycle all over again.
I felt hopeless and lonely. I would often wonder if there was more to life than this. If I could change my path and break the loop. I was desperate for a way out.
2. A false hope
I’ve been a reader for a long time, but my taste never deviated from fantasies and science-fiction, the kind of books that kept me sane and entertained. But because of my desperation, I decided to give self-help literature a go. And I got hooked.
I would read on the bus and during lunch breaks. I would read a page or two at work and sacrifice hours of sleep to that end.
It felt amazing. I’ve never felt so motivated and in control. Those books were so stimulating that I felt like nothing was out of my reach. I would finish one book and jump straight into the next. I devoured them one after the other. That was it, I thought, my life was going to change. I was finally going to make friends and have the courage to quit my job and pursue my passions.
One year later, however, I was still in the same job with even fewer friends and nothing to show up for it. In short, I wasted my time.
I thought maybe the problem was with me. I slowly became aware that what I was doing wasn’t right, that I kept missing the point. But after looking around, I found that I wasn’t the only one. Many people were trapped in this loop of consuming self-help books with little to no improvements to their well-being. If anything, some of them were worse off.
3. The culprit
I discovered that self-help is an industry that profits off of people’s desperation. Creating real change is hard, so they sell you the perception of real change instead. They exploit psychological biases for their profit and ignore your needs. Reading these books gives you a feeling of moving forward when, in fact, you’re standing still, a feeling that breeds stagnation and inaction.
Instead of going out and making friends, you’d read about how to do it and feel like you did. Or you get the illusion that you could win people over if only the opportunity presented itself.
Instead of asking a girl out, someone would tell you how, and now you could ask any girl if you wanted, but you never do.
Instead of learning a new skill, you’d read how others have mastered it, but you still take no action.
And on it goes.
Another issue with self-help books is that they are full of contradictions. They would tell you to accept who you are, then proceed to ask you to be better. They would assure you that you’re enough, then ask you not to aim too high. How could anyone make sense of that?
4. Seeing the light
So, how did I manage to improve my life? Break the loop and actually start working on myself. To turn the tide and become a better version of myself?
The first step to achieving that was to stop letting others dictate how to live my life. The idea sounded so simple that it was a wonder I hadn’t thought of it before. I didn’t shrug-off all advice, but I looked at them with a critical eye instead of proceeding on good faith. Our experiences are unique to us, and there is never one solution that fits all. So, I worked on figuring things out for myself, and I am happier because of it.
Instead of reading self-help, I read books that explain how the world worked, not how to live in it. Such books as The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt, or Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath. These books gave me some perspective and guided me to the right path. By taking the time to ponder the ideas, digest them, and extract the solutions that fit my life, I was able to grow.
I went out there and took my chances. I made an effort to meet new people and make great friends. I forced myself to ask the girl I liked out, and while it wasn’t a great success, my love life saw an improvement after that. I quit my job, learned new skills, and pursued what I was passionate about doing.
So, how was your experience with self-help books? Were they effective for you? If so, what was your strategy?
