How My Divorce Made Me A Better Couples Therapist and Spouse
Sometimes it happens the hard way.
A good way to become a good couples therapist is to get divorced. That’s what happened to me.
Getting divorced also made me a better spouse the second time around.
If you’re a little shocked, don’t be. Therapists have the same problems as everyone else.
The only difference is that therapists get trained in the field of psychology out of a strong desire to understand themselves and other people and to find ways of relieving suffering.
But we suffer and struggle, too. In fact, that’s what makes us good at what we do. It grows our empathy muscle and makes us better at walking with others through the hard places.
Back to my divorce.
It’s not something I would wish on anyone. It was terribly painful and confusing. It had ripple effects for years. It still hurts sometimes, especially when I have to share my now adult kids with their dad.
But I have a firm belief that every difficult life experience holds the potential for growth. And this one was an all-time growth-buster for me.
Like a lot of people, I had no clue what it actually took to make a marriage work when I got married at age 27.
I thought I did, of course. When you’re young and in love, you think you know.
After all, we were two intelligent people. We were committed to working at it. And I was a therapist, to boot. That seemed like enough. It seemed like plenty.
I was wrong.
When things got really bad, we got help. Not great help, but good enough to keep us hobbling along for a few more years.
Sadly, it wasn’t until after the divorce that I learned what we didn’t know about what makes marriage work.
With that knowledge, I became an excellent couples therapist and eventually had a great second marriage. We are now fifteen years in.
Where my first marriage went wrong
We both had some serious misconceptions about what a good relationship involves.
For one thing, we thought it was healthy to express anger freely without worrying about what we said or how we said it. We both grew up in families where anger was taboo; we agreed that approach wasn’t for us. We gave ourselves the freedom to let it out.
Contrary to what many people think, research shows that good relationships do include conflict. But we didn’t have the tools needed to keep it constructive. It got old and hurtful fast.
For another thing, we didn’t know that small things make a big difference to the overall happiness of a marriage. We took the fact that we loved each other for granted. We didn’t water the plant of our connection, so it withered over time.
As a result, we got stuck in negative patterns without a way to soften them. It gradually took a toll. When we divorced after twenty years, it felt like a failure.
It was baffling. It seemed we had given it our best, and our best wasn’t enough.
How did we go from hopeful and confident to breaking up despite our best efforts?
Sadly, it was only after my marriage was over that I discovered what I needed to make sense of what happened.
Most helpful was the research of John Gottman, PhD, author of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”
I stumbled on Gottman’s work in Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking.” It’s about how we form rapid impressions in the first couple of minutes of various situations.
One chapter was devoted to Gottman because, quite notably, he can tell with 96% accuracy after sitting with a couple for only three minutes whether their relationship will end in divorce.
He’s not clairvoyant or psychic. He just knows what to look for.
Wow, I thought. This guy knows something. I wanted to learn what it was.
I went all out and trained as a Gottman Method couples therapist. In the process, I came to understand what had gone wrong with my own marriage. I learned the small and big things that make a difference.
What are the keys to a happy marriage?
A former mathematician turned psychologist, Gottman was determined to methodically answer the question of what makes marriage work.
What set his work apart was that he decided to learn from the couples themselves.
He wanted to find out if there are things that happily partnered people do (he called them the “masters of marriage”) that unhappily partnered couples don’t (the “disasters of marriage”) don’t, and vice versa. How do they differ?
He found it. I’m glad he did, both for me personally and for couples all over the world. These things can be learned. And they make perfect sense once you hear them. It’s not rocket science. It’s just that unless you know what really matters, you may be shooting in the dark.
And here’s the thing: if you still like and admire each other and are committed to applying these principles, you’ll have a great marriage. That’s why my second marriage is thriving.
According to Gottman, liking and admiring each other is absolutely necessary. Once that’s gone, so is the marriage.
How Gottman learned what works and what doesn’t
Gottman set up a research study comparing thousands of couples, both happily partnered and unhappily partnered, and followed them over decades.
The couples went through life stresses, losses, births, illness, job changes — the stuff of life. He’d check in periodically about how they felt about their connection. And, of course, he tracked who stayed together and who didn’t.
He observed two main areas:
1) How couples handle conflict
2) How they relate when they aren’t fighting, that is, when they’re just hanging out.
Looking at how people deal with conflict is obvious, right? Conflict is challenging for most of us. And it is definitely important.
But the idea of seeing if there was something to learn from watching couples during their downtimes was radically original.
He studied these two areas of their relationships in two different settings.
What couples do when they’re not fighting
How do you observe a couple that’s just “hanging out” in a natural way, you might ask? Great question!
He invited the couple to spend the weekend together in a B&B-type getaway that he dubbed the “Love Lab.” It had a beautiful view with all that was needed for a comfy stay.
But unlike any B&B you or I have ever stayed in (I hope!), this one had video cameras recording during the day and a one-way mirror from which the couple was observed by the researchers.
In this setting, Gottman and his researchers watched hundreds of boring hours of couples doing what appeared to be “not much.” On closer observation, though, they found that small things make a big difference to the overall happiness in the relationship.
Those things are the building blocks for what he came to call a “strong marital friendship” or “strong marital house.”
It’s as key to the foundation of your marriage as is having a sound foundation for your house.
Gottman’s motto created after this part of the research was “Small Things Often.” Many small loving messages — not huge gestures — create a cushion for the harder moments and protect the relationship from the bumps that all couples run into.
Some people do these things instinctively. He called them “the masters of marriage.” But all too many don’t. Those are what he called “the disasters of marriage.” That’s why it’s good to learn what those things are. Like I said, it’s not rocket science.
One key ingredient: bids for connection
For example, Gottman noticed something he called “bids for connection.” These are small reaches from one to the other that may seem unimportant but actually carry a lot of meaning.
Here’s an example: The two are sitting reading. One partner looks out the window and sees a sailboat going by. She says, “Look at that boat! It reminds me of the one we went on last year with Jim and Margaret.” This is a bid for connection. The meaning it holds is, “Join me for a minute in the experience I’m having of looking at this boat and going down memory lane.”
How her partner responds matters. If he looks up from what he’s doing, looks out the window, and says, “Oh yeah! It does!” then he’s returned the bid for connection. Yay! (See? It doesn’t take much!)
If he ignores her, she feels kind of bad. Maybe invisible or unimportant.
If he ignores and changes the subject, as in, “What’s for lunch?” that’s the worst. It carries the message, “I’m not interested in connecting with you. I’m interested in me.”
Being ignored is a rejection. It hurts — like a paper cut on the tender skin of your relationship. If it happens often, the person making the bids stops reaching out. It’s too painful not to get a response. Gradually, a conclusion forms that goes something like this: “This person doesn’t want to connect with me. I don’t matter.” Even worse, “They don’t love me.”
The lack of successful bids for connection is one sign the relationship is going downhill.
Second key ingredient: frequent expression of admiration and appreciation
The other thing couples who are happily partnered do a lot of is spontaneously express what they like and appreciate about one another.
“You’re so much fun to be with.” “You’re such a whiz at organizing our finances.” “You’re such a great cook! I’m so lucky!”
We forget and think our partner already knows. You probably told them once, right? At the beginning of the relationship?
Well, here’s the thing: the brain is like Velcro to the negative and Teflon to the positive. We’re hard-wired to be on the alert for what’s wrong rather than what’s right. We’re also evidence gatherers. We gather evidence for what’s wrong, and this gradually takes over our impression of our partner. We stop feeling loved or loving.
According to Gottman, the antidote is to “catch your partner doing something right” and tell them. This helps you keep negative thoughts from taking over your view of your partner, and it helps them feel valued and loved, which makes them more likely to be loving in return.
Who knew that these little moments about seemingly unimportant things could potentially add up to an unhappy relationship?
Third key ingredient: managing conflict
Gottman got his data about how happy and unhappy couples handle conflict by observing them in a more traditional lab setting.
He asked them to choose a topic that caused disagreement. While they talked, they were hooked up to blood pressure and heart rate monitors. Gottman wanted to get an idea of what was happening physiologically in their bodies as well as how they expressed themselves during a fight.
This is where he saw what he called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Yup, they sound ominous because they are. When they go galloping through your conversation, it means trouble.
These are things that couples fall back on during tense moments that make things worse. While all couples do them, it is the extent to which they take over the conversation that makes all the difference.
Even more important is the couple’s ability to repair. Saying things like, “I’m sorry, that came out in a way I don’t like. Let me try again,” or “You have a good point,” or “I’m feeling kind of defensive right now” are examples of what he calls “repair attempts.” They help keep the conversation friendlier and on track.
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse?
I’m so glad you want to know. If you learn what they are and their antidotes, all of your relationships will be better! I drilled them into my teenage boys in the hopes that they’d be better equipped in their future relationships than I was.
Here they are:
Criticism: Global statements that are an attack on your partner’s character, as well as “you always” and “you never” statements; finger-pointing; blaming
Defensiveness: Explaining, rationalizing, deflecting
Contempt: Sarcasm, mimicking, put-downs,
Stonewalling: Shutting down, averting eye contact, walking away
The antidotes to the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse
The “masters of marriage” know how to use the antidotes to the Four Horsemen.
The antidote to criticism — Softened start-up
How an issue is raised has a huge influence on the direction the conversation takes. A “softened start-up” has these three components:
1) Describe in a neutral way what your partner is doing that bothers you. (“When you leave your clothes on the floor in the bathroom…..”)
2) Describe your feelings. (I feel sad/disappointed/disrespected.)
3) Let them know what you need. (Could you please remember to put them away?)
The antidote to defensiveness — Take responsibility
When your partner brings up an issue, ask yourself, “Is there some bit of truth to what my partner is saying that I can take responsibility for?” (“You’re right. I did it again. I can see how you would be irritated since I know that really matters to you.”)
The antidote to contempt — Create a culture of fondness and admiration in your relationship
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen, and it is usually used out of desperation. It seems there’s no other way to get through. The antidote is to work on the things mentioned that build marital friendship (see above).
The antidote to stonewalling — Take a break, then try again
When you’re “flooded” with emotion, you can listen or communicate effectively. Have an agreement that if one of you is flooded, you stop and take time to calm down. Then come back and try again.
What I learned about why my first marriage fell apart
This was all super helpful to me when I was sorting out what the hell happened to my first marriage.
I learned that we didn’t do a good job of bringing things up in an unthreatening way — what Gottman calls a “softened start-up.” Instead, there was finger-pointing, blaming, and, without realizing it, attacking of character.
I saw that I was prone to defensiveness when criticized. It was hard for me to admit that I had fallen short in some way.
I learned that I would get “flooded” or overwhelmed by my husband’s anger, which was rapid and intense, and I would shut down as a way to cope.
My shutting down would further enrage him because, to him, it looked like I didn’t care. He’d get angrier, and I’d get more frozen. I grew to see him as a demanding, controlling jerk, and he grew to see me as an aloof, unresponsive spouse.
It was so valuable to see this clearly spelled out and to learn alternatives that could make a real difference.
My career took a new trajectory.
I was inspired. I wanted to give people the help that my ex-husband and I hadn’t received from the well-intended couples therapists we had gone to.
My couples therapy work took off, and many couples benefitted when I taught them:
· How you bring up an issue makes a huge difference to setting the tone of the conversation;
· There are always two “subjective realities” that make sense if you can slow down enough to listen and understand one another;
· Paying attention to the small things strengthens the connection, like bids for connection and saying what you like and appreciate about your partner;
· How to repair effectively.
I found that men, in particular, appreciated this nuts and bolts aspect of this approach. Women often instinctively know essentially do this stuff, although we can be harshly critical of their spouses when they don’t respond in the way we expect or need them to. It was a great relief to the couples I worked with to find out that there are skills that can be learned that make a difference.
My second marriage reaped the rewards of my learning and training.
When I was ready to give it another try, I was better prepared than the first time.
I had a chance to practice what I was teaching my couples.
My second husband has also been a willing learner. He’s been open to applying these things, and together, we put them into practice.
I’m better at bringing things up gently while taking responsibility for my own experience.
For example, I’ve learned to say, “I know this is just a story I tell myself, but when you leave dirty dishes in the sink, I start to imagine that you don’t see me as an equal. Can you keep that in mind and put your dishes in the dishwasher?
I do my best to use the antidote to defensiveness taught by the Gottman approach: (“Yeah, I can see how you would feel that way. I wasn’t being very considerate of you when I made noise while you were sleeping.”)
I’m better about asking for a break when overwhelmed. “I’m flooded. I need a break. Let’s talk about this when I’ve calmed down.” My husband does this, too. We are completely supportive of doing that, even if it’s just one of us who needs it. We make sure to come back and try again.
We water the plant of our “marital friendship” with frequent bids for connection and expressions of what we like and appreciate about each other.
How to keep love alive is no longer a mystery.
The very practical nature of the results of the Gottman research makes it especially hopeful for couples who are running into choppy waters.
Given my personal experience and as a clinician, my main piece of advice is not to wait to get help or to learn what you need to know to get back on track.
Your relationship is like an orchid, not a cactus. Proper care and feeding will bring joy and satisfaction that are well worth the effort!
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