How parenting my autistic son made me a better person.
Despite having always being told by various people in my life that I ‘had the patience of angels’, it wasn’t until my son was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder at 3 years old that I realised just how wrong they had all been.
I was a selfish person. I did not know how to interact with my own son or understand his needs. I was angry about this and angry at autism for quite some time. I had entered in to a new world where patience and time were paramount. I had to be better.
Learning a new language
When my son was first diagnosed, the first thing I had to understand was how to communicate with him. He couldn’t speak well or communicate his needs which was a huge source of frustration for both of us. So I taught myself Makaton, which is a basic form of sign language. I learned by watching a television show called Something Special which had a character called Mr Tumble who used makaton throughout the show to communicate with the children.
It wasn’t easy, but my son soon picked up certain signs and was able to understand me for the first time and ask for what he needed.
I also had to learn to not speak so much. Seems counter intuitive, but some autistic people have difficulty in processing information, and my son does too. So my attempts at describing or animating ideas were simply confusing and further frustrating for my son.
This learning curve was very difficult for me to grasp and even today I still get this wrong. I have always communicated through words, probably too many and I have a tendency to talk too fast and speak too much. My brain works in overdrive and I often did not allow my son the space and time to listen and then hear what I was saying.
Visual Learning
When my son started primary school, I finally understood visual learning and how important this was going to be. The teachers built a book to introduce themselves and used images rather than many words to show my son his new classroom, where his coat would go, where he would paint, where he would sit, who his friends might be, where he would eat his lunch.
I quickly adopted this in to our home life too, we had a folder filled with little pictures depicting normal everyday activities and my son soon learnt these symbols and it greatly helped our communication. A visual calendar is invaluable too, again, introduced by his school at the time and adapted by me to also be at home.
There are so many resources for this now available on the internet but a decade ago it wasn’t as readily available, if you are a parent starting on this journey take full advantage of the knowledge that has be shared on the internet in recent years and use these resources, they will help you and your child no end.
As my son has grown, these visual aids have become less necessary, however, he is still and always will be a visual learner. In new situations, he needs to be able to ‘see’ what is coming. I have found using videos — you tube mainly — invaluable for this. I can show him where we are going, what he will see, and even how it may make him feel.
For instance, he is going on his first trip to a theme park in a few days time. We have been watching videos of the park he will be attending and the rides he will be going on for several weeks. The ‘not knowing what to expect’ causes him great anxiety otherwise, but being able to think and see the day in his mind gives him comfort and allows him to get excited about the trip.
Repetitive Action is Essential
Whereas I had lived in utter brain chaos for all my life, scattered thoughts and intolerance to lists and patterns. My son finds so much success in routine. Especially when learning day to day tasks.
I have benefited from this as well, although I grew up at a time when parenting was very different and my needs were not met in this way leading me to be chaotic and dysfunctional.
I have learnt to build routine into both of our lives and this has made our home life and our mental health so much improved.
Our morning routine, especially on school days is strict and timed. My son knows what time to get up, get dressed and often reminds me that it is ‘Shoes on time’ because I will still fail at maintaining the routine because I get easily distracted. He keeps me in check.
Ultimately, I have come to realise that I am likely someone who has ADD — Attention Deficit Disorder — I am not diagnosed, however, I find this unnecessary as it is clear to me now. I do not need a diagnosis to recognise myself.
My son is autistic and I have ADD, we often clash and we also compliment each other. We still, as he had grown in to a bright and energetic young man, learn from each other.
I am still learning, and I still get things wrong. When I do, I apologise and let him know that I recognise my mistakes. He does the same. We are still growing as a partnership.
The journey has been a difficult one at times, but I have had the best person to share it with right by my side.
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Thanks for reading.
