How To Be More Outgoing
I overcame shyness, and so can you!
I was a nerdy child. I liked books more than people, I was orchestra president, I had frizzy hair, and I didn’t know how to groom my eyebrows. This is a bad combination, especially in middle school.
As you can guess, I was very shy during my teenage years. I only had a handful of friends. Most of the time I didn’t talk to the person next to me in class, I didn’t go to parties, and I didn’t know how to carry on a conversation.
I started developing my social skills more during college, and I was forced to become more outgoing when I became a teacher.
Nowadays, most people think I’m naturally outgoing, but the truth is that I worked hard at learning how to talk to people. I still have feelings of being shy, but no one would know that it’s something I have always struggled with.
Being shy vs. being an introvert
A lot of people think that shyness and introversion are the same things, but they are not.
Being shy is a feeling. It’s when you feel nervous and timid around a person or group of people.
Being an introvert is when you get your energy from being alone.
You can be an introvert and not be a shy person. You can be an extrovert but still sometimes feel shy. They are not exclusive to one another.
I consider myself to be an introvert. I love being alone and I get energy from spending time by myself. I still feel shy from time to time in social situations, but just because I feel shy, doesn’t mean I show it.
How to overcome your shyness
Understand what is causing it
Whenever you are feeling shy, it is usually caused by a thought. For me, it’s something like, “They don’t like me,” or “I don’t know what to say,” or “I feel uncomfortable around this group of people.” Don’t judge yourself for having the thought, just be aware of what is causing you to feel shy.
Decide how you want to show up
Years ago, my mom kindly pointed out to me that a lot of people thought I was snobby or unfriendly. The reality was that I was just scared to talk to them. Shyness can come across to other people as though you think you are better than them.
I didn’t want others to feel unwelcome or intimidated by me, so I decided that I would show up as friendly, warm, and welcoming.
Stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about others
Want to be less awkward? Stop thinking so much about yourself. Trying to be liked is a guaranteed way to come across as creepy. Instead of thinking so much about how you look to other people, start focusing on them instead.
Something that every person has in common is that they want to feel loved. If you focus on showing kindness and love to everyone you meet, you won’t come across as shy.
Be curious
This is a game-changer. I learned this from Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. If I could sum up the entire book, it would be to ask people lots of questions and listen carefully to what they have to say. Be genuinely curious about their lives.
People love talking about themselves. You don’t have to be a great conversationalist, you just have to be good at asking questions and listening. I try to ask as many open-ended questions as possible. For example, instead of asking, “How are you?” You can ask, “How did you spend your day today?” Ask questions that get people talking.
Pretend to be someone else
This sounds weird, but stick with me. Sometimes if I am around a group of people who make me feel very uncomfortable, I think of someone I know who is outgoing and confident. Then I ask, how would they act in this situation? Chances are, they would stay warm and friendly, and keep asking great questions.
I channel their outgoing personality (instead of my internal feelings of being shy) into my social interactions. This helps me to stop focusing on my nervous thoughts and start focusing instead on how I am showing up.
Final Thoughts
You get to decide how you want to show up in social situations. It’s easy to forget that we have control over our own lives.
Being shy is not a personality trait, it’s a feeling. Learning how to talk and connect with people is something that will pay off over and over again. Even if you’re not a “people person,” you can learn to show up that way.
