How to Become a Billionaire.
The other day I decided to check out a Learning Annex catalog. You know, the ones that offer all kinds of courses. Well, I immediately thought it must be my lucky day because right on the cover, in bold type, it said that I could learn how to “Become a Self-Made Billionaire.” That’s right, forget millionaire, we’re talkin’ Billionaire. How could I resist. Then, I thought about it. If the guy teaching that course really knew how to become a billionaire, he’d be one, right? And, if he was a billionaire, would he really be spending his time teaching at The Learning Annex?
The next course that got my attention was, “Make Contact with Lost Loved Ones.” Then, on the next page, I noticed another entitled; “How to Communicate with Lost Loved Ones”, and it was cheaper. So, think about it. If you were into connecting with dead people why would you ever consider paying more for a course that only teaches you how to make contact with your dead mom when you could take a cheaper course that teaches you how to actually chat with her?
I continued flipping through the catalog until I was stopped by yet another curious course title. This one said, “How to Make your Own Soap.” Now, if this were Medieval times I could see taking this course. So, at this point, I’m just wondering what kind of person would actually take a course called “How to Make your Own Soap.” When I turn the page I get my answer. It’s the probably the same person who wants to learn “How to Paint on Leather.” The subhead for “How to Paint on Leather” says “You’ll Be Amazed at the Results!” So, I’m thinkin’ to myself, that’s a pretty big promise … “You’ll Be Amazed at the Results!” So, what if I’m not so “Amazed at the Results?” In fact, what if this leather thing I paint is the worst piece of crap since that clay ashtray I made in 4th grade for my mom? Do I get my 49 bucks back? I don’t think so.
The next course I notice is “How to End Procrastination.” Now, think about this one for a second. Procrastinators are people who keep putting things off, right? They think about doing stuff, but never get around to actually do it. So, why would anyone offer a course like this? Whoever’s teaching this is probably not getting a lot of sign-ups.
And, then there was “How to Make the Perfect Martini.” Now, I wouldn’t mind learning how to make the perfect martini, but a 3-hour course? We’re not talking about “How to Create the Perfect Business Plan.” It’s about making a friggin’ drink!
So, after spending a few more minutes with titles like; “How to Create Magic Spells” and “Mind Over Metal,” I start thinking that maybe I should come up with a course… like: “How to Make Extra Cash by Teaching a Class titled, ‘How to Make Extra Cash’… You’ll Be Amazed At The Results!”
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John Follis is an ex-Madison Ave ad man and award-winning writer whose business and humor writing has appeared in the national media and “Mirror on America” a pop-culture anthology including writing from Stephen King. His Medium series, “Just Sayin” comments on everything from Identity Culture to Football. For more on John, visit: https://linktr.ee/johnfollis
