How to Build Stronger Connections
The Practice of Listening 101
As a mental health therapist working with tweens/teens, I have seen how the pandemic has disrupted adolescents’ social skills and psychological development. I heard their suffering, “I forgot how to make friends," "I feel so anxious talking to people.” I feel lonely-my parents don’t understand me."
I admire their reflection and courageousness in asking how to foster meaningful relationships.
I hear from adults that they have friends/families who monopolize a conversation or make unempathic responses. They leave the conversations feeling unfulfilled and misunderstood.
Regardless of how old you are, we can all learn to create better bonds with others. Some of us have never had it modeled or taught, or we lack practice and opportunities. I wish these skills were taught to me in school, along with math, language art, and sex ed. Our world would suffer less if others more accurately understood us.
Here are some concrete tips we can practice to increase meaningful and inspiring relationships and improve our well-being:
Attention: Active listening is paying attention when a person speaks. It takes effort because it is intentional and not passive. That means you are not distracted by your phone or things in the background, thinking about how you will respond or what you need to cook for dinner later. I have a friend who makes me feel like I am the only one in the room. Being in a relationship with an active listener makes you feel understood. You can gift that to someone.
Think Like a Dog: Dogs don’t judge. They love their owners unconditionally. How often do we choose not to be vulnerable in sharing something because we don’t want to be judged? My young clients often tell me they don’t tell their parents certain things for fear of being judged. Having a doggie mindset brings emotional safety to a relationship.
Avoid asking, "Why." For example, "Why didn’t you step on the brake?", "Why are you late?". This framing criticizes a person. And it isn’t helpful. They will either shut down or get defensive, causing negative emotions. With practice, you can catch yourself before asking why.
Avoid Giving Advice: One of the biggest myths is that we think people want our advice. Or we want to be helpful. Unsolicited advice gives off the vibe that I am better at solving their situation, making them feel incapable. It can also create an imbalance of power in a relationship if one is constantly the decision-maker. Uninvited advice can be perceived as criticism and add to a person's distress. A straightforward way is to ask:
“ Do you want me to listen, or do you want advice/feedback?”.
“How can I best support you right now?”
Remember, one of the basic human desires is to be recognized and mattered by another, not to receive advice. Most people simply want to be understood and listened to.
Play Connect 4/tennis/handball:
Taking turns in a conversation means a lot of back and forth between two people. There are times when the turn-taking is not in the same conversation but may occur in the future, as when your friend is in a crisis. You get the point; there is reciprocation.
If you are more of a talker in the relationship, check in with yourself and step down from the conversation. If you tend to be more reserved or anxious in speaking, try to take a risk and contribute more to the discussion by using open-ended questions (see below).
If the one-sided conversation is consistently a pattern, you may need to assess for healthy boundaries. You want to be compassionate but don't want to be taken advantage of or burnt out.
"I know you are going through a rough time. You may need more support than I can give you right now. Maybe you need to see someone like a therapist or join a support group. I can help you with finding that support. We can still check in sometimes."
Ask Open-Ended Questions vs. Closed-Ended: Questions that ask for more detailed answers instead of a simple yes/no, single-word replies. This starts and keeps the conversation going, draws out more information, shows you are interested in the person, allows the speaker to pause, relax, think, and feel, and can develop a deeper connection between the two people.
“What did you think about that movie?” vs. “Did you like the movie?”
“How did you come up with your decision for going to that college?” vs. “What college are you going to?”
“Who did you watch the Warriors game with?” vs. “Are you going to watch the game?”
“Tell me more about your weekened trip?” vs. “Did you have fun this weekend?”
Embrace Empathy: Empathy is feeling and joining someone's emotions. It is attuning to what a person is feeling behind their words. Empathy is allowing yourself to be affected and moved by the other person.
You feel joy when your friend is jumping up and down that they found their dog. (You don’t like dogs but you resonate in their happiness).
Your mom says, “You didn’t call me to let me know you are coming home late. I was up late waiting for you! “The feeling behind the words: Mom is worried about me.
Your partner complains,”My boss yelled at me and I didn’t eat lunch because I was so busy at work. Now I have to make dinner.” Message is that your partner is feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
Your aunt shares that she has end stage cancer and is in a lot of pain. You feel her suffering and cry with her (You allowed yourself to be affected).
Empathy is very powerful in building intimate, satisfying relationships. It also explains why a person will jump into a dangerous situation to help a stranger. Compassion is the result of empathy that can have a global impact.
We can build up empathy traits like a muscle: listening to other people's stories, imagining what it is like to live in someone else’s experience, labeling our own emotions, being curious, reading A LOT of books with complex characters, meeting people unlike ourselves, and recognizing our privileges and biases.
Validating Feelings Instead of Minimizing feelings: We often mean well when we invalidate someone’s feelings unintentionally (me too). However, it can cause misunderstanding and shame and escalate conflicts. They can feel isolated, angry, and worthless because it communicates that their feelings are wrong and unimportant. Growing up in an invalidating environment can sometimes lead to anxiety, depression, and problems in relationships.
Conversely, validating someone can bolster self-esteem, help them manage negative emotions, reduce pain, and create closeness in a relationship. Validating people’s feelings and experiences communicate that they are respected, valued, and significant.
Validation is vital for all ages, especially children. Parents/caregivers need to learn to validate children to help them develop psychological well-being.
“Don’t cry” vs.“You must feel sad, angry, frustrated, scare etc”
“You will get over it” vs.“It sounds like you are having a bad day/are struggling”
“At least you have other children” vs. “I appreciate you sharing this with me”
“You should be grateful/it could be worse” vs. “I can see how that seems so painful; I am sorry that happened”
“Just ignore him; don’t let him get to you” vs. “It must make you feel helpless”
“You are overreacting, sensitive, dramatic..etc” vs. “ That makes sense you feel discourage, upset, jealous etc”
“I was in the same situation, let me tell you what happened….” vs. “ That seems so hard”
“You are better off without her” vs. “That really sucks, stinks” or “Wow”
“Time heals all wounds/They are in a better place/It’s time move on” vs “I can’t imagine what you are going through. I know you loved her/him/them” or “I wish I had the words to comfort you. I am close by if you need me to listen”
After a person feels understood/validated, their brains becomes more open to reasoning, advice, and problem-solving.
Using emotional language without time restrictions, facts, or reasons is critical. You can give space and permission for their inner thoughts, experiences, and feelings. This does not mean you agree or approve of their perspectives/emotions but that you can understand and respect their viewpoint and feelings through their lens.
This can be challenging in many households and cultures where emotional language is not often used. As an Asian American growing up in a family that did not use feeling words, I still struggle to label emotions as an adult.
In the U.S., where we value time (get over the loss of your dad, it has been two years) and logic (it doesn’t make sense), we need to practice and familiarize ourselves with feeling words and validating phrases. This is the practice. This is where we can make a difference.
