How To Date An Introverted Empath
A guide for the extrovert who sees life very differently.
We’ve all heard that old saying- opposites attract. Sure, they attract. We’re enchanted by the mysteriousness of someone so different than us, and there are few experiences more thrilling. Like a great mystery adventure, we embark on the discovery of just how different we are- and lo! We’re as dynamic as hot and cold, north and south. This dichotomy is endlessly fascinating when paired with the understanding that we have different NEEDS.
The ‘attraction’ of opposites, however, doesn’t mean such pairings are destined for success. It’s hard to date someone who is different from you- and in my experience, I ALWAYS attract my polar opposite, and then become the educator on ‘how to be with me’. As an introverted empath, I’d rather not be asked such questions, so I’m halfway hoping this article can be a reference point for future encounters (I’ll be sending it to my fiance) :-), or at least a conversation piece for topics that don’t come naturally.
Extroverts, listen up. If your ‘type’ is introverted, you’ll want to keep a few things in mind:
Firstly, a definition of what it means to be an introvert. Introversion is not the same as ‘shyness’- even when the outer expression looks the same. Shyness is a result of self-consciousness, while introversion results from internal processing. In other words, those who are shy are hiding, and those who are introverted are simply thinking.
Introverts also require time alone to recharge and find interaction with people to be draining. To an extroverted counterpart that sounds baffling, but being with people (for an introvert) is literally like unplugging your computer and carrying it for the day without your charge cord. The battery gradually depletes, and this drainage quickens with any sort of rigorous interaction (an extended conversation is like watching NetFlix with 18 browser tabs open simultaneously).
If your introvert is also an empath, things get a little more complicated. Empaths are programmed for extreme empathy- and in some cases, they can sense the feelings of those around them as if the feelings are their own. It sounds like a superpower, and it is. It’s also exhausting. Empaths have to do a significant amount of ‘armoring’ or ‘screening’ to be in public places, and decompression to clear out experiences and emotions. In high-energy situations, or when an empath is around someone who’s especially charismatic (ahem, extroverts!), it can feel like our nerve endings are sizzling and frayed. In my personal experience, I lose track of time and end up forgetting I have a body attached to my skull. The over-stimulation turns to numbness when it’s not balanced properly, and this can result in your empath being either reactive or shutting down. This isn’t personal, it’s just what happens until the proper recharge has happened.
Here are a few tips for dating and loving your introverted empath:
Grant them space. And a lot of it.
Your introverted empath loves you, and that also means they can’t be with you all the time. In order to be a fully functioning partner, an introvert must have enough time alone to process stress, think freely, and sleep soundly. Sometimes this means not spending time with each other every day. This doesn’t mean they love you any less, they just need space to fully be themselves.
Own your feelings. And understand your introverted empath is probably feeling them too.
The intricacy of an empath and introvert combination means sometimes your person will feel things before you notice you’re feeling them, or they’ll be ‘overly’ sensitive about drama with family members or even feel the effects of trauma happening in the world. In 2020, there’s a lot of stress with worldwide events- and everyone is trying to find ways to deal. If you’re someone who isn’t good at handling their own feelings, your introverted and empathic partner will have an exhausting time trying to manage them for you. Try to keep in touch with yourself, so you can do you, and your partner can focus inward too. For the empath, it’s essential to monitor the intake of triggering news, stimulus, and highly emotional situations, so be kind.
Encourage individuality. (And let them have fun without you).
In my coaching practice, I see so many partners coagulate into a single being - using the proverbial ‘we’ to refer to every life event involving one or both partners. This togetherness of opinion and lifestyle seems to ‘work’ for some couples, but if the combination is an introverted empath paired with an extrovert, the introverted partner might already have a tendency to feel others WAY more than they can feel themselves. This can result in a loss of individuality and feelings of not being seen or heard. If there’s no separation, unhealthy dependency can be a result. Let your love have fun WITHOUT you. And please don’t guilt them for ‘leaving you alone’- they already have a hard time leaving since they can feel your feelings!
This isn’t a conclusive list by any means- and all people are different. The important part is to educate yourself about YOUR SPECIFIC PARTNER. Open a dialogue. Share this article with them. Talk about your feelings and needs. And above all, find ways you can support each other in being who you really are as individuals so you can be stronger TOGETHER.
