How To Find Your Dream “Person” in Your Life
Design Your Love Life
I really don’t understand why people are so hooked on these how to manifest your soulmate or text from anybody instantly videos I mean it’s like an epidemic thing on Google and it’s so ridiculous because when you talk to people with really great relationships they’re almost never saying that’s how they met their person.
Now in this Story, I want to talk about a very practical framework for designing your love life.
So let’s talk about what I think are really the three essentials at designing your love life I think of course with all achievement all success whatever you want to attract in your life the foundation is always becoming a better person honestly upgrading yourself because you can be guaranteed to control that.
So the first thing for me is what traits do I need to work on so what traits about yourself are the most essential to improve and we’ll give you three buckets that I think will generate a lot of reflection.
what are the traits that annoy your friends and your family.
what are the traits that annoy the people you’ve dated.
what are the traits that are know why you so you have your family the people you’ve dated and you.
These three buckets are probably going to give you a lot of memories to come up and address.
- Maybe with your family, you’re the annoying know-it-all.
- Maybe you’re lazy.
- Maybe you’re critical or negative.
- Maybe with the people, you’ve dated you just don’t put in that much effort and you’re not thoughtful.
- Maybe you expect way too much on the other side and you’re the slave driver the NAG.
- Maybe with yourself, you wish you had the will to go after your dreams and goals.
- You wish you were braver and took those risks and those challenges in life.
Start by having these three buckets one of the things I need to improve in those three domains look for me with my family one of my biggest most problematic traits is being critical and really expecting a lot of people with the women.
I’ve dated one of my I guess worst traits is that again I have really high expectations and really high standards and I’m really growth-oriented and I hope the women I date are too and with myself the biggest trait I have to work on is the ability to kind of self soothe and just relax.
So learning to recognize when I’m getting exhausted and taking care of myself so that I don’t need to date women who take care of me.
The second thing I would recommend to design your love life is really to study your own attachment style so there’s a great book called attached and it’s based on these three psychological dynamics that typically follow us and haunt us from childhood.
Typically we are :
- Anxious
- Secure
- Avoiding
The anxious person is generally very preoccupied with our relationships they get worried and stressed when their partner doesn’t really reassure them or overly reassure them and their default assumption if a relationship end was that dated something wrong which may or may not be true.
The secure person is generally okay direct communicating their needs they can accept feedback without it really hurting their self-esteem or their feelings they say what they want and they’re in the middle in terms of being afraid of losing their partner or not afraid.
The avoided people who are really loved averse essentially they want love but the closer they get to someone the weirder they start becoming and the more they want to push that person away or play hot/cold saying they love them but not showing what the actions they love them.
I found that these three psychological dynamics are shockingly accurate maybe you’ve realized that you’re avoiding like you’re the runner every time in the relationship or maybe you always attract people that are obsessed with you that’s a hint that you’re are avoiding it and they have to keep chasing maybe you’re the chaser who always dates these people that don’t treat you well.
You’re wondering what it is about you that always attracts these guys or these girls that take advantage of you maybe you’re somewhere in between but just understanding your attachment style I found can be one of the most powerful ways to change how you show up in dating and relationships and it also provides a context for all the previous people that you may have dated before.
The last of course is what daily habits and rituals do I have to change Matthew Hussey was a dating coach for women on one of the youtube videos he shared a clip from his seminar now I thought this was really wise because this one woman was talking about being in her earlier mid-30s has innumerable heartbreaks.
She’s basically like I’ve given up on men I don’t want to date anymore I don’t like it just always results in this heartbreak and his letdown and so he countered in a very interesting way when he said okay let’s say you do that but what are you giving up on you’re never gonna go out ever again to a bar or to a social event or to a hobby or to a dance class.
You’re never gonna leave your home anymore you’re never gonna pursue your passion you’re never gonna travel a world you’re never gonna do all the things you always wanted to do like what are you not gonna do what are you giving up and he said a lot of distraction stuff is when you live a full life you naturally end up attracting somebody.
Because number one you’re living that full and that exciting and that happy life and all the other quadrants the domains of self-growth you’re doing well and by having a varied interesting fun life you increase the chances of meeting somebody so what are you gonna give up on your entire life.
You’re gonna live in a cave forever and quit your job stop eating food in reality the ritual that often needs to change is we stop chasing love and the ritual that we change is we start chasing all the biggest dreams that we have had.
Whenever those things are that make us feel alive whatever those other domains are the dreams the travels that salsa class you always wanted to take the career you always wanted to go after that city you always wanted to live in that language you always wanted to learn honestly not chasing love is probably one of the biggest things.
Because when you chase your own excellence in your own life chase that excitement of a fulfilling life and you have a varied life where you go out you’re meeting people maybe you’re a little more social than you normally would be that is.
Where you make the space for a dream person to come in and that is what I’ve seen has been the most effective way to design your love life and not trying to manifest people with some ridiculous eight-second technique but you becoming someone who is deeply attractive on every level who’s also living a full and fulfilling and varied life that is an attractive person who will naturally attract people everywhere they go.
