How to Forgive Anyone
Including yourself
In the world of family, friends, and acquaintances, there is always offense. Some are small and easily forgotten, others are big, heartbreaking, and unforgivable. But you can forgive any offense if you want.
When you forgive, you love.
Here are the best forgiveness hacks I have learned, from the easiest to the hardest. None of them is easy when you’re still super angry.
1. Remember the good days
This one helps with a relationship that you still want to continue or rekindle.
My dad says, “If you want to like someone, remember all the good times you’ve had with them, and if you want to hate a person, remember all their offenses." This works like magic. Always. Did you catch yourself smiling when you remembered the good, jolly days? Perhaps you should consider forgiving them.
On the contrary, if there are hardly any good memories and the bad overwhelms the good, you are probably better off without the relationship, but you can still forgive the offender.
2. Separate the act from the person
To err is human… and humans will always err.
Distinguishing an offensive act from the person is hard because, alas, it is the person that did the act! However, if you can, by some stroke of sentiment or spiritual genius, see the person for who they are outside of the offending act, you may be able to forgive them more easily. There is a difference between who a person is and what they did.
This is simply forgiving a person for the sake of their humanity. Like when I forgave my brother for carelessly deleting my precious files, even though what I really wanted to do was press his neck. I had to remember that he was my brother, a human. Many other scenarios could fit this context.
3. Tell the story from their perspective, aka put yourself in their shoes
Recall the offending event, but from the other person’s perspective. Narrate the story as them. Consider all the factors that may have influenced them into doing or saying what they did: your actions, their experiences, third-party and external factors, etc. Then you may understand why they did what they did.
This does not justify the wrong act, but it will help you forgive them and decide whether to let them back into your life or let them go.
4. Pray for them
When understanding and remembering the good days have failed to ease your deep pain, you will need some divine way out of it. Because no logic in this world can justify why they did you wrong.
The hardest and deepest way to forgive a person is to wish them the good things you desire: material possessions, success, fulfillment, etc. Pray for them to find the good things that you desire or that you know they desire. You do not have to be religious to do this.
I know it is a hard and audacious demand. I thought it was simply impossible when I first learned of it, and it was very hard to spit out the right words the first time I tried it. I cried, but it worked, slowly.
PS: It is possible to forgive without receiving an apology. Although it would aid healing, you may never get the much-needed apology. But you will have to move on, so you forgive for your own good, to declutter your heart. Nevertheless, accepting an offender back should depend on their apology and conduct.
