How To Get Off the Victim’s Mentality Hook?
Being addicted to bad emotions will make you no good. Stay tuned because, at the end of this article, I’m going to reveal secrets on dealing with the victim’s mindset.
“The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones”
~neuropsychologist Rick Hanson.
Woke up late. Spilled the coffee onto your new white blouse. The car won’t start. Was late for an important meeting. Got poor feedback on the report and judgment looks on the blouse from co-workers. Shouted furiously at the gas station. Fought with my husband because he was tired of my nagging about a bad day.
Here’s the deal, generally, we cannot live the negative emotion for too long. We switch to some other activity and forget, then someone reminds us of it, and the feeling comes back. Still, we can catch that moment when the emotion leaves our mind and body. But to make it come back, we put some thoughts on the loop. To hurt ourselves again and again so that emotions stayed with us. Doesn’t sound healthy, right?
Have you ever felt stuck or even addicted to negative emotions? We are not supposed to say “bad” because emotions are our helpers, even negative ones. They are messengers that, for example, you haven’t lived your life to the fullest (regrets) or haven’t been true to yourself (guilt). It is like an inside judge; if we feel good, it cheers, “Do it again!” or when we feel bad, it says, “Stop it! You’re going the wrong way.”
Now, clearly negative emotions can harm us, our health, and our relationships. But, unfortunately, some of us tend to hook on those emotions, hold them with a death grip for days or weeks without letting go. If you stick to the negativeness for too long, you will develop a victim’s mindset (or mentality).
Fun story: I had this one girlfriend, who said she loved spending time with me, but all her topics end up in some dark negativity. I wanted to figure out what it was that she had been seeking from me. Support or a piece of advice. Disclaimer: all her problems were coming from a man. I ran out of empathy and support “power banks” after hearing the same story for the third time. And switched to giving advice and helping her solve the situation. But the girl was unsatisfied. She enjoyed playing the “poor me” card. So I had to restrict her “personality” from my life because it wasn’t healthy.
And the best part, when she finally did the right thing and got rid of the man, she wrote me some SMS and silence after that. So maybe this is a type of people who just cannot share their happiness? I would love to hear your thoughts on that.
Guess what? There is treatment from the victim’s mindset. But it is best to identify and acknowledge the problem before going straight to the treatment. And first, answer these questions:
- Do you blame someone else for all of your failures?
- Do you believe that your life is controlled by bad luck or fate?
- Do you enjoy talking about your hardships?
- Do you feel like the world is against you?
- Do you constantly ask yourself, ‘What did I do to deserve it?’
- Do you come up with a list of why it’s not going to work when someone gives you advice or a way out?
- Do you feel like everything is out of your control?
- Do you feel like you cannot cope with all the problems that seem to have fallen on you simultaneously?
If your answers are mostly YES, no problem, just keep reading. Because we can cure it! What you should do is:
Take responsibility
Sometimes it may seem like you are in some bad movie, and everything goes against your wish. Richard Bolles, an influential leader in the career field, in Three Boxes of Life — and How to Get Out of Them wrote: “The Victim Mentality ultimately discharges you from any responsibility for your life, since clearly what is happening to you is not your fault.”
Look around. Is there anything you can do to improve the situation right now? Make a phone call or write a letter, schedule an appointment? Plan to do something and start immediately. Just do it. You should feel that control belongs to you. Bring this feeling to every task of yours.
Don’t pass the control over the situation into somebody else’s hands by blaming others. Was it really bad luck that you spilled your coffee all over yourself, or is it because you didn’t have enough sleep and still felt last night exhaustion?
Self-care
The victim’s mentality is usually something we learned, watched and copied. It is a coping mechanism (of past abuse or trauma) to get love, sympathy, and attention to yourself, as it is the only way to be loved. By the way, in this article, I choose to look at the victim’s mindset as a coping mechanism rather than a manipulation technique (because it deserves a whole article).
Maybe as as child the person didn’t get enough care and attention, or parents took care of him and her only when he was sick. You want to be seen from the outside. But you can also fill yourself with love from the inside. Give yourself some love and respect, and people will follow your example. Plan some self-care days, tell yourself that you accept yourself in any state.
Say No
This advice is very similar to how one can fight a Good-Girl Syndrome. Saying “no” is a crucial part of your boundaries. You have a fundamental right to refuse when you don’t feel like doing something. We do feel bad when telling it, though (if you want to learn why you can read about it here).
Setting and protecting your boundaries will save you from big mistakes later on. So before answering out loud, first ask your body. If there are no negative tingling feelings, then you are good to go. Making a conscious choice will immediately make you feel in control.
Find a therapist
As I said before, victim mentality is a coping mechanism. An experienced counselor can help you find the roots and get closure if you were abused or neglected as a child. And if you need relief quickly, try writing the situation down in all “dirty” details. Then burn the paper.
The energy of the negative emotions should be expressed one way or another. My advice would be to cry or shout, maybe, punch a pillow. Let the pain go out like steam… in portions.
Accept it
Bad things happen. Solomon had this beautiful ring with the phrase curved in it: “It too shall pass.”
And here’s the kicker: Staying positive is a choice. So choose it!
Yes, a part of our life memories is a collection of unpleasant experiences and failures. But it saves us from making the same mistakes. If we keep sticking to negative emotions, we’ll spend our lives in darkness, with no new experiences and no new emotions. Instead, we should make a conscious decision, put our best foot forward and cope with negativeness.
