How to Minimize Despair in Unsettling Times: Redefining anger and hope

It isn’t that the evil thing wins — it never will — but that it doesn’t die.” — John Steinbeck

“We will never be perfect: that is our limitation. But we can have, and have had, moments in which we can take genuine pride”.- Zedie Smith

I have (who hasn’t) been witnessing increasing “anger” emanating from friends as well as those in my psychotherapy practice toward others and even relatives. Their expressions can be well-intentioned, but initially, there is a misunderstanding of how best to express anger. This is especially important with what is occurring not only on the national level but also on the local and immediate personal polarized context. I believe, having dealt with anger issues for over forty years as a family therapist, that it is manifested in either the metaphor of “biting” or “hissing.” Biting produces a no-win, escalating conflict or suppression of another. It also forms resentment and wishes for retribution; Nelson Mandela reminds us that “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

This eventually only ends in a feeling of despair, a dangerous consequence leading to health problems on many interpersonal and intrapsychic levels, as well as sabotaging your nervous system. Assertively hissing, on the other hand, allows for relational possibilities that can produce mutual learning about how others are coping and what directions are…