How to Receive Feedback?
What the **** is Secret Garden?
Feedback recipients are people who receive feedback. They are not always ready to accept it, they do not necessarily asked for it, and sometimes they are surprised by the broadcaster’s generous offer. So how do we deal with receiving feedback for which we were not prepared for?
WHAT TO REMEMBER WHEN RECEIVING A CRITICAL FEEDBACK?
The person who gives it to you is most likely anxious. So don’t kill the messenger if he is not very good at conveying the information. This does not mean that the information communicated is worthless, it just means that you will have to work harder to get to the meritum of the sense.
First of all, give thanks. Regardless of whether you asked for feedback or not and whether you heard what you wanted to hear or not.
The mere fact of giving you tips proves that your efforts to strengthen the culture of feedback in the company or team are starting to work. Especially if someone gave you uninvited feedback. This is something to be proud of!
Feedback can fall into one of four areas and we react differently to information about each of them.
Four feedback zones
PUBLIC DOMAIN
Information from the public domain, i.e. information about the sphere of your behavior that you are aware of yourself and others know about it. We usually do not react so emotionally to information in this area, it is nothing new for us that we behaved in this way, if it was a negative behavior, e.g. loss of patience when we understand the trigger, it may certainly make us feel stupid, but it was something we knew it would happen to us sometimes, and others know it too. Feedback from this area will be easier to accept.
BLIND SPOT AND DISCOVERY ZONE
We are much worse at the feedback that we were not aware of ourselves. In the event that someone tells you about something that you do not notice yourself and it is a negative thing, the limbic system is responsible for the reaction: fight, run, stop. So depending on the situation, it may happen that you react in 3 ways:
- You will reject the feedback and attack, accusing the sender of malicious intent and pointing out his/her faults.
Of course, such a reaction will not get you anywhere good. The sender of the feedback will either join an argument or withdraw. So you lose the opportunity to learn and you can destroy the bond that binds you. A person who tries to give you information for good reasons, to help you, will never do so again after such an attack. Worse, a sense of injustice and offended pride will most likely make the person react “didn’t I tell you?” When you have another similar stumble. and most often it will not be an answer addressed to you, but one spoken behind your back. It can be very devastating to mistreat someone who tries to open up to you and help you.
- “You will stand dead” and listen to the information to the end, but your emotional turmoil will not allow you to accept it. As a result, you will immediately or after some time dismiss the feedback.
This reaction is safer in terms of your bond with the sender, you don’t defend yourself, and you don’t attack. The second person feels that they have been heard and the feedback has been accepted. If at the end you shake off the shock and say “thank you”, the sender may leave this conversation quite pleased with the feeling that it went smoothly. Regrettably, however, he/she will realize that nothing has changed …
- You will start to “run away”, that is, to apologize, to withdraw from the previously taken position, to justify yourself.
There is nothing wrong with admitting your mistake and apologizing. If you immediately feel that the person giving you feedback is right, do it. But do it briefly, and do not focus on looking for excuses, because the desire to “clear yourself of the charges” will overshadow what is most important, that is, what you can learn from this mistake. By trying to defend ourselves or to justify and minimize our “guilt”, we show that we do not agree with the feedback. By making excuses, we may inadvertently make the person giving us the information feel that we are minimizing “the harm they have suffered”. Saying, for example, “Sorry, admits I shouldn’t have been floating, but I’m so stressed out by this customer complaint. I know it doesn’t excuse me. “ We may feel that we accept feedback with dignity, and we have managed to save face. However, the person listening to our answer hears: “I’m sorry, … BUT.”
If you want to actually accept negative feedback with dignity, say rather
“Sorry for [paraphrase the statement], THIS IS TRUE, I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”
SO HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM?
First of all, you need to be able to notice the emotional state the information has put you into. If you are negatively aroused, you feel fear, resentment, or a rush of aggression. Ask for a break.
Say what you just heard is a shock for you and you need a few minutes to cool down. Ask the person who is trying to communicate with you to give you a while to digest. Explain that you want to listen to this person properly and learn as much as possible from this incident, and at this point, you cannot concentrate. Make an appointment for a different date or that you will meet in 5 minutes, and during this time, go for a glass of water and cool off, or do some relaxing breathing exercises. And when you get back to the conversation …
Make sure you understand. Not everyone can clearly convey what they think. If you are unsure about the intentions of the person giving the feedback or you do not understand where these conclusions came from, ask. Remember, however, that asking, depending on the emotional state of the sender, may be perceived positively as evidence that you are listening and want to understand, but may also be perceived as an attack and questioning what you are talking about. When necessary, try to form open-ended questions and ask them in a gentle, encouraging way.
First, ask if you can ask:
“Thank you for what you told me. I was not aware that in situation X I acted Y. Since this is something I do not perceive myself, may I ask you a few questions about this situation and maybe others in which I acted the same? It will help me understand what causes me to react like this and help me change it later. “
Then ask:
- Were there other situations in which I acted the same? What? Are they similar to each other? Can you give other examples?
- What were the effects of my behavior?
- How did you feel when I did the Y? Why? What exactly made you feel this way?
- What kind of reaction other than Y would you expect from me in these situations, and why?
If you want to make sure that you have understood well, and at the same time show the other person that you are listening carefully and accepting what he is trying to tell you without reservation, from time to time paraphrase what you have learned before asking another clarifying question.
Then thank the person for their feedback and additional information. Make sure the sender knows he/she has done the right thing by coming to you and telling you about it. Praise their courage. Appreciate that she/he was trying to help you by sharing his/her insights, and if you wish, share what you have learned and how you will use the information. Tell how today’s conversation helped you. How do you plan to change your behavior?
If you don’t want to share requests with the sender, or don’t want to do so right now. Or if you feel that you have not fully accepted, or agree with the feedback, thank them in exactly the same way, but instead of sharing your conclusions, say what you intend to do with this information.
AND WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS FEEDBACK?
Feedback should help us grow or change. It may turn out that the feedback you heard is not useful at the moment, is a misjudgment, or it just won’t help you get closer to your goal. You have the right to reject feedback. However, you always have to listen to it calmly, make an effort to truly understand it, thank for it, verify it, think it over and then decide what to do with it.
If you implement the proposed changes, let the person who shared their feedback with you about how they helped you grow.
