How to Stop Nagging Your Partner — The Science of Relationship Habits
Nagging your partner may seem like the best way to get them to do what you want, but it can actually have the opposite effect. According to a study by The Gottman Institute, incessant nagging is one of the top predictors of divorce.
So how do you stop nagging your partner and start getting what you want?
It all comes down to understanding the science of relationship habits. By learning how habits are formed and changed, you can put an end to nagging for good. Keep reading for tips on how to make this happen.
The Habit Loop (and How It Affects Your Relationship)
Habits are behaviors that are repeated often enough to become automatic; they rely on little to no conscious thought.
Relationships follow a predictable pattern called the habit loop, which consists of three stages: the cue, the routine, and the reward. You can use this knowledge to your advantage when trying to stop nagging your partner.
How Nagging Your Partner Affects the Habit Loop in Your Relationship
When you give with one hand but nag with the other, a pattern of incongruent giving and taking emerges. This creates a negative relationship loop because doing what you want (giving) while simultaneously doing what you don’t want (nagging), reinforces the behavior that is causing problems in your relationship.
You might be able to get your partner to do what you want for a little while, but they’re unlikely to stick with it, and when they stop complying, the nagging begins again.
On the other hand, when you stop nagging and shift your focus to rewarding good behavior, a positive relationship loop emerges. Doing what’s best for your partner reinforces your new approach to getting them to do what you want, while they reward you in return by complying with what you want more of going forward.
Why It Matters That You Stop Nagging Your Partner
We often think of nagging as a trivial annoyance, something that can be brushed off with little consequence. But the truth is, it’s actually one of the top predictors of divorce. According to The Gottman Institute, research shows that “happy couples are distinguished by their patterns of giving and responding to gifts.” These patterns are based on the give-and-take of everyday life, which includes nagging.
In fact, couples who begin therapy with one or both partners frequently nagging his/her partner have a negative prognosis for staying together until death do them part.
Nagging is not a healthy method for getting what you want in your relationships, and it’s not good for either partner. But if you take the time to understand how habits are formed and how they function within your relationship, you can stop nagging once and for all.
What You Can Do About It
By now you have two options: you can either stop nagging your partner and create a positive relationship loop or continue the negative habit cycle and deal with the consequences.
If you want to stop nagging for good, there are several things that can help make this happen:
Survey Your Actions
Examine how often and in what ways you nag your partner. You will probably find that it’s not just one thing — it’s a series of little things that add up over time.
Tackle One Issue at a Time
Nagging is often about getting little things, like dirty clothes on the floor or unwashed dishes in the sink, out of the way before you can even start paying attention to the big issues. But your partner isn’t a maid, and they aren’t responsible for all household chores. If you want them to contribute more, communicate that fact clearly and expect it from then on.
Be a Giver
Giving with one hand while trying to take with the other is not going to work. It’s only going to make things worse. Instead of nagging your partner, give them what you want more of by doing something nice for them. Not only will they appreciate the gesture more than you would ever know, but it may also encourage them to do the same for you.
Start a Dialogue
Nagging often arises out of frustration, and it can sometimes make your partner feel like they are living under a microscope. By initiating healthy communication instead of letting little issues build up into larger problems, you can help yourself and your partner break the habit cycle. When things do go wrong between you two, take time out to cool off rather than exacerbating the problem by escalating the level of nagging.
Nagging is a bad habit that’s hard to break, especially when you’ve been doing it for as long as you can remember. But if your relationship matters to you, not only will you want to stop, but you’ll make the effort to devise a plan of action and stick with it until both of you are nagging-free.
The Bottom Line
We’re not saying that every marriage or long-term relationship will be without disagreements. But when you look at them from a different perspective, you’ll realize that it’s the way couples handle those challenges — not the challenges themselves — that makes a difference in terms of whether they stay together until death do them part.
