Hurry, Wrap it Up — Condom Sales are Surging
A Friend in Need
My divorced best friend, Cassey, called me in a panic. “I need a favor,” she said. “I’ll need you to go to multiple stores around you, buy me some stuff, and mail it to me. I’ll CashApp you the money right now.” Ok,” I said, “What do you need that you possibly cannot get in LA?”
“Condoms,” she said. “I need condoms. I’m fully vaccinated today. It has been two weeks since my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I’m going on Tinder and making dates.”
“What?” I spoke. “What are you talking about?” Cassey told me she had not had sex in fourteen months. She was more than ready for a date. My friend detailed she had been to many stores and been unable to locate the condoms she liked. There is a run-on condoms as Americans get vaccinated. Condom sales are way up.
“Male condom sales in the United States increased 23.4% to $37 million during the four weeks ending April 18 compared with the same stretch a year ago, according to the latest figures from IRI, a market research firm that tracks point-of-sale data at big-box retailers, grocery stores, drug stores, and other sales channels.” www.cnn.com--2021/04/30
“I’ll send you a text of which condoms I want because you won’t know which ones are good. I’m especially interested in any glow-in-the-dark types that you can find. I need at least one box of the small, medium, large, and mega-man. Don’t buy those sheepskin types. Find at least two packages of each kind. Overnight them to me today,” she said breathlessly into the phone.
Looking me up and down, the store manager wanted to know if I could do with fewer boxes, leaving some for other potential customers. I told him, “No. If they wanted condoms, then they should have been out here buying them like I was.”
Cassey was right. I have been married for decades. I better not find any condoms unused or otherwise lying around my house. Since this was my BFF, I immediately got in my car and started hitting the stores. Oh, my goodness. The rack space for the most popular brands of condoms was empty. I asked the women behind the counter to look in the back. The counter lady told me there were no condoms in the rear; every package they had was on the shelves. I looked at the text Cassey sent and picked up eight boxes of various types of condoms.
When I went to the counter, the clerk told me I could only buy four packages. I asked to see the manager because there was no sign. I brought all eight packages after seeing the manager. He seemed shocked that I was buying so many boxes. Looking me up and down, the store manager wanted to know if I could do with fewer boxes, leaving some for other potential customers. I told him, “No. If they wanted condoms, then they should have been out here buying them like I was.” I heard him telling his team members to make a sign limiting purchases to two packages as I was walking out the door.
Since I could not find the glow-in-the-dark condoms, I went to Wal-Mart.
They had one box of glow-in-the-dark, which I snatched off the shelf. Of course, I asked if they had more (they didn’t), so I grabbed a few more of the other kinds before paying. At the car, I took a picture of my haul and texted it to Cassey. She sent me back a plethora of emojis that said I was superwoman, and she loved me. Yes. Yes. Yes. I got her what she needed.
I didn’t go home. Instead, I went straight to the UPS, brought a cardboard box, packed those condoms, and overnighted them to her. I won’t discuss the looks I received as I filled the cardboard box. Box after box of condoms went to the huge parcel. I did have one young lady ask me where I got the glow-in-the-dark condoms, I told her. A male customer behind me did attempt to get my phone number.
Maybe I’ll Try Them
I wish I had toned down my attire a little if I had known I would draw so much attention. I wouldn’t haven’t worn my sparkly mask with my glittery jeans. So glad that I live in an area where there were still plenty of condoms available, and I could buy them for my girl. After all, that’s what friends are for. As I left the store, I thought about how happy Cassey will be when she opens the box. Then I laughed; I should think about how happy her partners would be when she presented her lovers with various condoms to choose from. The box is a “Whitman’s Sampler” of STD protection.
I might buy some of those glow-in-the-dark condoms for me and mine. They must be lots of fun. I’d sure like to find out.
If I Rub Your Back With The Lights Out, It’s Foreplay,” My Husband Declared.
“If you want to have fun with me, you must make your intentions known before I’m going to sleep,”
Toni Crowe retired to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books. Her bestselling business book, ‘Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends’ won a Gold Readers Award.