I Am in Crisis
Struggling to find a middle ground
I am a loner writing in the dark. Reaching out in the air for a hand. I hope that I tune into something which could feed me answers. The questions I ask never ease my mind. They become a swarm of harmful thoughts. I suffocate myself with trauma that refuses to bury itself. When things are calm and going well, I brace for the terrors that await me.
In a way, the induced stress becomes a comforting feeling because silence enthralls me. I admit, these rooms are not healthy places to be in all the time. The experiences bring me great insights that come at a cost. With each moment, I prophesy my downfall and ponder if I’ll lose my mind.
Painting pictures and producing ideas of how terrible people are becomes an obsessive habit. To gain my trust you must earn it. I lack trust in oppressive systems that pretend to uplift us. The reality you see on a smartphone doesn’t reflect the injustice I witness in person.
I am the spirit of a man whose soul was torn apart. God doesn’t promise our status. Think about the amount of pride you must let go of to ask strangers for money. There is a torment some people deal with that we don’t see. One bad comment could leave a hopeless person weeping to death. Sometimes, all they need is someone to hear them out or speak with. Yet, I take kind gestures and casual conversations for granted. I must marvel at and locate my empathy and consideration. Simply because that man you see on a street corner begging for change could be me.
I’ve never gotten satisfaction from seeing homeless people sleeping on the streets. Even more, I never aimed to be the person that ignored them and treated those individuals like insects. They are not people we can displace and remove when we want to. We cannot squash them. It makes no sense for us to clean the streets of humans who want shelter.
I am a child in rage. Looking for objects to throw at people. Searching for a reason to start fights or arguments. Humans can be cruel. I have a sharp instinct to protect myself. I’m tired of people forcing their fears onto me. You can call me stubborn, but I will not budge. My authenticity forms my character.
Everyone can’t understand the mindset of a person who has risen from darkness. My wounds aren’t on display, they’re internal. I want them to heal and find a solution to my invisible scars. Yet, I’m bewildered by the person who’s in the mirror. To an extent, love isn’t an objective when you can’t centralize the reasoning for your existence.
I am a creator who has no shame. My ability to be vulnerable could backfire and I wouldn’t care. Judgments will not tarnish my potential. When I think my experiences are worthless, I remind myself that others may relate. Everyone has a voice and platform to share what they want. All of us deserve to live without regret.
When I’m disregarded, I feel disrespected. I’m not sure when I started to feel entitled to people’s attention. There’s this lingering feeling of wanting to fit in. I want to be normal, although I live strangely. Going on morning walks or taking bus rides forces me to absorb my perception. I’ve grown to be the person that feels stronger without company. Being a ghost feels empowering. That partly explains why I find reading a book or working on my writing more interesting than going to a party.
I am comprised of a twisted world view. My environment influenced me to believe that greed and destruction grants people the fruits of life. I’ve been around people who have a passion for scratching lottery tickets and drinking nips. I’ve witnessed the allure of quick money and what your actions to get it can lead to. While thriving among ignorance and confusion, I adopted some form of ruthlessness to save myself.
I embody the heart of a man who has nothing but his drive to live another day. My heart beats in anxiousness digging for spots and events offering water and food. I motivate myself through loneliness and try to find purpose in my suffering. Pain is my deadliest weapon. Joy isn’t something I yearn for. I have no intention of celebrating or finding ways to express my happiness. Solitude is an unmatched gift. I’ve found comfort in how much I’ve learned and circled around my thoughts.
