Coming from Brazil, I am used to always being afraid of strangers. I am not used to being afraid of people I love.
As a born and raised Brazilian, I was taught how to always have eyes on my back. To never get distracted, or I could get robbed, kidnapped or raped.
Then, I moved to Germany in order to feel safer enough to go for a walk by myself and not worry all the time about strangers in the streets.
One year later, Corona happened. After 2 months being stuck at home — but feeling safe — now that everything is reopening I find myself scared of everyone, even my best friends.
Even though I am 27 and, for all other standards, very healthy, I have a heart condition that alone puts me very high up in the list for the COVID-19 risk group.
So, here I am, facing this very new fear when I look to people I love and thinking they might carry a virus that would kill me.
I come from Brazil, an incredible country. It has breathtaking nature, the richest variety of fresh food and the warmest people you will ever find. We are happy, cheerful and loud. We love hugging and showing appreciation for others, and that is the part I admire the most about our culture.
But Brazil is also a dangerous country. Growing up there, I was always taught how to protect myself by always looking around when walking in the streets. As a kid, I could never leave my apartment without an adult, and we usually took the car to go everywhere.
I remember nights when I couldn’t sleep because I had nightmares that burglars would come into our apartment or kidnap me. We were used to listening to so many of those cases that it was not unlikely to happen.
I had a classmate who got shot by a thief, even after handing in his phone. Just for nothing. I started having panic attacks after that while driving so that the solution was to buy a bulletproof car.
Living in Brazil, you are always alert. Always. You have eyes on your back. Even so, I got robbed 3 times. 2 phones and an Ipod. That is an exhausting way to live. Specially for a woman. So I left my beautiful country and chose a safer place to settle.
I came to Germany because I thought I would finally have some peace and stop fearing strangers every time I left home. And, for one year, that held true. It felt so good to walk around on my phone, truly relaxing for the first time in 27 years.
Then, 2020 came.
To be very honest, I was feeling quite good for the past 2 months of strict isolation. Everyone was home, and I felt ok.
Now that the country is reopening, I feel so exposed. Going to the supermarket or going for a run became a huge challenge, because now everyone is outside (try keeping Germans inside when there is good weather).
And people don’t respect the distance. They absolutely don’t. Maybe they keep away 30 cm from you, but that is all. That is not enough. I cannot find masks that would truly protect me — the ones called respirators. All sold out since February.
So, the solution in my case is staying home alone while I watch from the window as life resumes outside. I won’t say normal life because nothing about this is normal for anyone. But still, I guess if you are not in the risk group, it must feel good to finally be able to do some things you enjoy again.
My friends invited me for a Mexican dinner to celebrate the reopening of the country. I didn’t go. I am afraid one of them has Corona, and that my heart couldn’t stand getting infected.
I saw my friends once over the last 3 months, and I didn’t come close to them. Not hugging them was so weird, and it felt so impersonal. As a good Brazilian that I am, the way I know how to show love and care is my always hugging people and being very close.
Seeing my friends in this social distancing way was not much better than seeing them over the camera.
Actually, it might have been worse.
Because even though we were keeping the distance, I still felt afraid of them. And if Corona didn’t break my heart, that realization did.
I thought my days of being afraid of people were behind me. That I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. Now, suddenly, everyone is a threat to my weak heart. Even people I love. And that is so hard to process.
Growing up in Brazil, I thought I was trained to protect myself, but this is different. This time I cannot watch out for threats, because the threat is invisible.
I hope that in the near future I am able to jump and hug the people I love without this fear. Because, let me tell you something:
I might have been trained to take care of myself. But I was not trained to be alone for that long.
And I don’t ever want to get used to a reality in which being far away is the norm. This cannot be the new normal.
