“I do not deserve my own forgiveness.”
Journal note for me and others.
We will experience all sorts of events in our life.
Some leave a permanent mark on us more than others. A memory that seems like it remains emotionally charged no matter how much time has passed. Like everything, some memories will be positive, and others will be negative.
The negative memories, especially when there’s guilt involved, are the heaviest to carry. Leaving a hole in our hearts since nothing seems to provide a cure for that.
“I will voluntarily carry that pain with me forever because that is the punishment I deserve” … is the thought that comes as a form of solution or remedy — through punishment. Not allowing myself to move past what I have done, even if it was not done with malice and occurred entirely unintentionally due to not knowing what lay ahead. It doesn’t matter. My being does not care about that and will not forgive “me” for such a mistake.
So now… I shall carry this until I die as my way of making up for my ignorance, carelessness, stupidity, or whatever it might have been that caused someone else pain and perhaps could have been prevented or, at the very least, made less severe if only I would have been there to give the help that was needed.
“I cannot forgive myself,” … “I do not deserve my own forgiveness,” … “I do not deserve a pass on this one.”
How can someone be so cruel to their own being?
How can someone love themselves so little to allow themselves to live the rest of their life with such a negative feeling that does not allow for a portion of who they are to heal and become alive again and instead purposefully keeps it in a state with no vitality, no light, no breath, lifeless… a portion of that person completely…dead.
That doesn’t sound healthy. I know that very well. This is why I am writing. I need to understand why this is happening.
The poisonous feeling of: “I feel like a piece of sh*t.”
What can be done about something like that? It’s a dangerous feeling and one with seriously pernicious side effects. At some point, this thought will need to change for a healthier one; otherwise, this will be the cause of premature death. It must begin with allowing the lifeless portion to come back to life.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for being stupid, ignorant, or careless.
We have the intuition that guides us. We often disregard what it tells us, but also, it’s hard to hear it clearly. That’s the tricky part about our intuition. It’s usually hard to hear. Or we will trust our logical judgment more and go with that. Intuition always knows the wisest course of action.
Maybe you didn’t listen to your intuition back then, but you can now. And you know deep down that everything happens in a certain way for a reason. It does… We have the capacity to learn. We also have the capacity to understand complex concepts and see an event from different points of view. However, there is always a point of view that is unavailable from where we usually stand, one that holds the answers to our “whys.”
We will eventually know the answers to these questions, but for now, patience and forgiveness need to be harnessed.
Self-love through compassion….
Forgive yourself. You deserve it not just because you genuinely would do things differently if you could go back in time but because sometimes, we will make great yet unintentional mistakes that might affect others. That does not mean we did not care. We (all of us) are fallible. We have blinds-spots, cognitive biases, hormones, millions of thoughts, external influences, stressors, worries, fears, doubts, too many options, and too many possibilities sometimes too. Essentially, too much of everything. We won’t always get it right.
And as much as I wish I could guarantee this, I cannot — I cannot guarantee that I will never make such a big mistake because of what I just explained, but also, life seems to have its own plan with me involved and its sudden curveballs can hit me in the face every single time, but I can aim at paying more attention, at listening to my intuition, at not missing important details. I can learn.
My intuition tells me not to engage in self-destruction.
I must stand on my own head if that’s all that’s there for me to stand on and see beyond the mountains.
The hole in my heart does not have to remain a hole. I can look at that event as a blessing in disguise since it left me with my biggest lesson. It gave me pain, but at the same time, I can understand others better and help when it’s needed. I couldn’t be there for one person, but because of this one person, I can be there for a hundred others, leading with the heart.
