I don’t have a best friend! Do you?
I reevaluated my friendships in my 20s and realized that “best friends” are a myth.
Best friends are a childhood fantasy.
I thought I had many best friends growing up. Best friends do everything together, right? Laugh, cry, travel, party, fight. They’re there in the good times and in the bad. They’re basically the best version of a human being you could ask for in a friend!
I’ve heard many people call their significant other their best friend, too!
Here’s what I realized. As you grow older and move through school, college, different workplaces, and social settings, there are many friends you connect and collect along the way.
Sure, you can have many best friends, but then what is ‘best’ anyway?
Here’s why I think the term ‘best friend’ is a farce:
Let’s talk about the term ‘best’
The term ‘best’ itself is superlative. It implies just one and that no other can be as good as the one in question. So when you call someone your ‘best’ friend or ‘best’ bud, subconsciously, you’re allowing yourself to believe that nobody else can meet your needs as a friend, but them. Meeting all your needs is impossible for a significant other to do as well as a parent or caregiver. So, having this expectation in a friendship might make you think that a friend is not loyal or close enough. They probably are, and it's for us to decipher what needs they meet.
Each friend appeals to a different side of you!
Have you had two vastly different friends and wondered how you get along with both so well? If these two people met, they probably wouldn’t be friends. We tend to relate to one aspect of a friend more than others. Think about what you bond over with your friends and why. Each person navigates through life differently and layers of complexities are bound to be added to their personality. World-views change over time and the aspect you relate to may also change. So, it’s natural that they may not be able to meet your needs the way they once did.
Bonds change like waves.
Just like any long-term relationship, there will be times in your life you are closer to a ‘best’ friend than before. Likewise, there could be years of disconnection, followed by years of deep bonding again! It ebbs and flows naturally. Friends may change cities, get married, have kids, and have different priorities. When the nature of a friendship changes, the friend should still remain a friend. Expecting that the ‘best’ friendship will continue to serve you as it once did is setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s probably better viewed as an opportunity to change something in your life too.
Everyone is as flawed as you.
Best friends are bound to be flawed because they’re human! So they’re going to mess up and disappoint you as a friend. Ease the pressure of knowing they’re a good, loyal friend who is allowed to make mistakes, as are you! Don’t believe what you see in movies. They’re not always going to be available at 3 AM or throwing you big parties. Each friend has different ways of showing love. Learn their love language!
Even the best of friendships takes effort.
Even the best friendship doesn’t become the best without effort from both sides. When the nature of a friendship changes, the effort put in both ways looks different. I believe that however close or far you may be to a friend, physically or emotionally, the effort shouldn’t stop, it can be recalibrated to meet the nature of change. Nobody becomes a close friend overnight, and nobody should lose a friendship overnight (unless they have harmed you). If you think of someone as a good friend or at least was at some point, recalibrate the effort.
Best friend shouldn’t be a title anybody is bidding for. Maybe it is as kids, but as adults, it feels unrealistic and immature.
The term ‘best’ comes with a lot of pressure. While many of us use it casually, not just for friends but anything in life, we hardly stop to examine its implications in our subconscious narrative — the expectations that come with it and the disappointment that comes when the expectations don’t serve us.
I don’t have a single best friend. And I’m okay with that. But I have tons of ‘loyal’, ‘solid’, and ‘close’ friends, each adding value to my life in very different ways. The depth of connection varies. Some are extensions of family and the others are versions of family.
