I Don’t Know How Many Times I Was Abused
But it gives me comfort to think it happened more than once
This post contains highly triggering topics including childhood SA and is for 18+.
You may want to read this story for background first,
but to summarize: when I was around 5, my nanny, Sasha took me on a trip to Coney Island. Though we never actually went there. We went to an apartment and her boyfriend r*aped me there.
So why does it give me comfort to think it happened more than once?
- Because I have so much trauma, I almost feel like I’m overreacting, that I wouldn’t be justified in having the trauma I have if it was just once. If I knew it happened more than once I’d feel calmer, knowing this reaction makes sense.
- Also, one of the very painful feelings I felt during the r*pe was the feeling of being used like a tissue: that I was worthless, garbage. But if it happened more than once then I wasn’t really garbage, was I? If her boyfriend had wanted me again, that meant I still had value to him. And that means I still have value now. Of course, I know I have value regardless but do I feel that way? Not always, but I’m working on it.
Here are the indications it might have happened more than once.
1. I remember hearing Sasha telling my mother how we should do this trip again.
(Privately, when Sasha was putting my younger sibling to bed and I was sitting next to her I asked her, “Are we really going to Coney Island this time?” I must say that was pretty brave of me to ask.
She gave me a death stare. That’s when I realized I had said something really bad. I then knew I couldn’t even remind her that we hadn’t gone there, that I had to pretend we had. I didn’t want her to be angry with me or get insulted and I had to protect her feelings.)
2. I remember Sasha and my mother discussing whether it would be good weather to take me to Coney Island again on Sunday. I was terrified overhearing this.
On the one hand, I felt bad for Sasha that she had to fake caring about the weather when I knew she didn’t, we’d be indoors. It got me nervous that Sasha had to pretend like her patience would wear thin.
On the other hand, I didn’t know how to stop this from happening without insulting Sasha.
At some point, I’m not sure if this was before the potential second time or after a number of times, I remember stating that I don’t want to go to Coney Island again. I was careful to say it in a calm way so Sasha wouldn’t get angry at me. And that was the end of it.
3. I remember being on the subway with her again (I’m pretty sure this was separate from the ride back from the first time), being absolutely terrified something awful would happen to me again. I wasn’t 100% sure why I had this fear. I forced myself with all my might to push it aside and forget it.
But this could have been a random subway trip, just her picking me up from school.
4. I have a very vague memory of being in the car with Sasha and her boyfriend.
I have so much guilt writing this, but it’s so worth it getting to voice what happened. It feels so surreal that I finally get to talk about this. Thank you for reading!
