I have a sobriety date, not a death date.
How many times can one person touch death before becoming it?
Emptiness, that is how I’d subscribe addiction in one word. Recovery is like sitting in an ingestion room, looking at pictures of someone. Someone you’ve had harmed and realized that person is you. Wanting a restraining order against the only person you can not get away from, yourself.
If the drugs were not going to kill me it was going to be the lifestyle. I could always smell my body decaying in a hot dumpster somewhere. I’ve crossed paths with many dangerous people and I somehow outlived the situations.
I was just getting dropped off from the strip club by my drug dealer. I noticed a car driving by and the red tail lights lite up the night. I get out and my dealer drives off. Six men get out of the truck. One with a baseball bat. Voices, all I could hear was voices I never made out what they even said. Under the street lights, a face comes into focus. Familiar face. Threatening to run in the house and beat every person in it including the kids. Well, the thing is I had robbed them about 9 hours ago. This was a guy my age I’d sleep with for money. The only reason nothing came about it is, well, because he liked me. After calming him down and sending him on his way. The mother of the children pulled a knife on me. Telling me to leave. I’m caressing the drugs in my pocket making sure they’d be safe during this situation. I’d be homeless so I pulled my knife back on her. The moment the blade flick out into position the knife flew out of my hand. Our eyes locked on each other and for a breath of a moment I said oh fuck. For whatever reason, she dropped the knife and beat the hell out of me. I left that night to an abandoned building in the dead of winter.
Throughout my active addiction, I’ve been held at knife point and raped. I had men in my car with guns that just shot someone on the highway. I got in cars with complete strangers and let them take me to there house. I’ve been brought places raped and left there. I could write books about every experience. I always said if the drugs don’t take me out it’ll be the lifestyle. I had come to terms with dying in active addiction. I’m here today to share what I’ve been through and to show people you can move on from that life completely.
www.choosing-recovery.com
