I Was Sad And Angry, and I Didn’t Know Why
What if it’s depression? What if it’s something else?
Laugh for fear of having to cry. This is the sad truth.
Although most people associate depression with great sadness, you probably have to have lived it to understand that it goes far beyond.
Depression is expressed more or less obvious. Some have trouble getting up; others work with no problem. Everyone reacts differently.
It happens to me sometimes: I’m sad, and I don’t know why. There are days like this when sadness embraces me like a cloth am wearing, keeping me stuck to the bed wishing that things would be different, that I am not grateful for everything I accomplished in life, that maybe I am dramatizing?
You may be familiar with this feeling. We usually do everything to prevent these gray days from appearing in our daily lives. We would like to eliminate the sadness from our existence, as we remove the dust and lint that collects on our favorite clothes: with the help of a brush and a simple gesture, which makes it possible to forget everything and start again from scratch.
If we feel this need, there is a particular reason for it: society has taught us, since we were children, that there are positive emotions and negative emotions. These, like anger, rage, or sadness, must be hidden. We have to avoid them and repress them, in a sort of unhealthy practice of constant and feigned happiness. A habit that gnaws at us from the inside which makes us sick. It is a habit that carries the promise of a change in appearance: everything will be better if we pretend to be happy.
However, nothing can go perfectly, and these days when I am sad and angry must have why. All emotion comes with a purpose; this biological component, chemically orchestrated in our brain, has an exact function, which is to facilitate our adaptation, to allow us to survive in the scenarios in which we operate daily.
For example, sadness drew my attention to the fact that something is going on and that I need to hold back, slow down, and do some soul searching to make the right decisions. There are no negative emotions because all of my feelings serve a purpose that I must know and be aware of.
I was sad and angry: what was happening to me?
We live in this fast-paced life that we have small regards to our feelings when it first started for me, this state of mind where nothing is good enough and my temper clicks right away for stupid reasons, even parties and social events where I was supposed to be celebrating something good felt a little off, it’s like some kind of guilt that rubs off my skin and hold me back from being in the moment, from feeling genuinely happy and I keep searching for that why that I can’t figure out and I was too proud and stupid to go ask a therapist and get to the core of my problem.
Other people go to a therapist asking for treatment for depression, when they only experience immense difficulty in coming to terms with their emotions, such as sadness, anger, and frustration. These two realities, these two facets of the same coin, lead me to realize, once again, that it is fundamental to educate human beings myself included to recognize, understand, and manage their emotions.
What if it was depression all along?
We cannot put aside that when we feel sad for no apparent reason, we may suffer from depression. Therefore, it is fundamental to know the symptomatology of this pathology, the characteristics, and the nuances of these psychological abysses in which we can all sink. Before extrapolating about our condition when we feel sad, it is essential to consult a professional.
Whenever we face a new day with this feeling of “I’m sad and angry and I don’t know why”, we have to agree with ourselves: to give ourselves time and attention, to understand that all emotion has a very specific purpose. If we do not, if we cannot escape feeling vulnerable and unable to take responsibility for our emotions, it is advisable to seek the help of a psychologist.
I did, it took me a huge amount of time and thinking to have the courage and put my mental health as a priority, swallow my pride and push it down my throat and admit that it’s something that I cannot fix on my own. In the first three sessions, I was playing it cool and being sarcastic about the whole process, again that ego and pride trying to push out but I gave in to the process eventually and part of it was because I wanted to have answers, why I feel this sad and angry with no reason at all?
There were things I avoided talking about with anyone especially my feelings about certain events in my past, mainly because I perceived those expressions as weakness and my therapist expressed it pretty clear, that it was the root of my problems, that repression of my emotions and putting that facade piled up layer after layer generating an unmotivated feeling of sadness and anger but not that was not just it, after the tenth session, my therapist figured out what started it all, that I didn’t have a proper goodbye when my grandmother died, apparently, that’s what triggered my depression that later on, I found out that what I really had was bipolar disorder all along through a diagnosis.
Me not having closure triggered a mental illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, so my advice to you is to never let things go, if you’re feeling something, talk about it with your brother, your sister, a close friend, let it out of your system, be angry, be happy, allow yourself to be mushy and vulnerable, don’t just sit there and fail yourself by underestimating your mental health for the sake of being “tough.”
The mixed feelings that you have will never go away on their own, that’s what we all believe. Trust me, they will stack up over time and when they will come knocking, it’s gonna be too late. Your mental health is the number one priority to have the life that you aspire to live.
