I Wasn’t Always Like This
POV of a 16-year-old me
I wasn’t always like this.
There was a time when I used to be confident, proud, and loved. When I would laugh out loud. When I would smile with my mouth open and not feel the need to cover it with my hand. When I would wear anything and feel beautiful. When I would be in a crowd and be happy, but then… then life happened. People happened. Teenage happened.
I don’t know if it was the result of that random classmate who made fun of my bushy hair or just people calling me dark, which in our society is imprinted on young minds, means being called ugly. If it was constantly being called “not confident enough” or someone commenting on how thin I was. I just know that I hate those people now.
The ones who made me feel like I wasn’t “pretty” enough. The ones who kept reminding me that I didn’t deserve any love, that I wasn’t worth it in the end. The ones who showed me that I wasn’t important enough to not have a replacement, the ones who chose others over me and didn’t even hesitate to hide it. The ones who made me believe I wasn’t good enough. I just wasn’t enough.
I hate you. I hate you all so much, yet I don’t hate you enough to regret it. Yes, I feel sorry for the 16-year-old me with big dreams and bright eyes who had to go through all that at such a young age because she just wasn’t good enough for people. That small, sensitive little girl with a small, sensitive heart filled with nothing but love and generosity for others, yet what did she get in return? Body shaming? Mean comments? Being called ugly? All of that and so much more than that, but like I said, I hate you all so much, but I certainly don’t hate you enough to regret it.
Why?
Because those heartbreaks, those feelings, those tears, they made me hate myself. Yes. They made me insecure about myself. Yes. They made me pessimistic. Yes. But most of all, they taught me how to get over all of those things.
I learned to love after un-loving myself. I learned to smile after crying to myself. I learned to be proud after being ashamed of myself. To love my flaws after hating on them. I learned and learned and learned. So, I would say that no matter how much I hate the people who led me to feel this way, a small part of me is thankful to them. For teaching me. For hating me. For showing me. For leaving me. Thank you.
2 years later…
Yes, I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always so strong, so kind, so brave, so forgiving. So much better.
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