If only I could love myself more…
what exactly makes me sad?
I find myself half-naked on the cold floor of my room. I don’t know why I’m drawn to the floor, I doubt it is something about my love for Mother Nature, I’m not particularly the eco-friendly, green enthusiast.
Perhaps it's a psychological thing, my desire to be closer to the world, feel accepted, and be loved.
What am I yearning for exactly? Acceptance of whom? Love from whom? Whose attention am I seeking?
I’m one of the fortunate ones to have my basic needs satisfied without an issue. I’ve been blessed with parents who may not have the richest or most comfortable lives but have always put their children first.
So, I have parents, a family, a stable life and a path already carved for me to walk. What exactly then am I searching for? What is missing? Why do I feel empty?
I find myself often drawn to the concept of oblivion. I have no worries I’m running away from. No student loans or other major financial debts, and no abusive or toxic relationships.
Why do I crave to feel nothing, to float in nothingness, with my mind free from desires, and worries, not like I have a lot of these anyway.
Speaking of desires, I want money, but not for the sake of just having money, but so I don’t have to worry about not having money. To live a life where those around me won’t have to worry about things life has to offer but can only be gotten with money.
I want a partner, not for the sake of having a partner like a lot of people do nowadays, but to have someone to spend time with, to not feel lonely, to connect, and to be accepted.
I want kids, not as a byproduct of a sexual relationship, but to have a little human who looks to me for answers. Who takes after me, who I get to nurture and watch grow.
I don’t see a future where I’m happy. Not because I lack everything I want, but because I don’t think everything I want would make me happy. I have no idea what would make me happy.
I live in moments, I’m happy when I’m with people I love, their presence alone is enough, and I’m satisfied. I hope to find someone to live the rest of my life with, to share moments with, to find happiness.
I feel at peace again, realizing that just like the bleak sky as a result of the impending rain, my future looks bleak. Maybe just like the sky, the rain would pass, and the sun would shine again, revealing the beauty of the blue hue in the sky, and the diverse rainbow produced as a result.
