I’m a Hospital Chaplain. Here Are 8 Things I Avoid Saying to a Grieving Person.
So, someone you know just experienced a loss. You want to be supportive. The question I hear over and over again is, “What do I say?”
To start with, let me emphasize that everyone processes loss differently. What is comforting for one person may not work for another. That being said, as a hospital chaplain I’ve been in these situations many times and have learned (often the hard way) that some responses work better than others. Let’s start with advice on what not to say. Then I’ll offer some better alternatives.
1. Don’t say, “Everything will be okay.”
Most of the items on this list are well-intentioned attempts to offer comfort, and this is a great example. When we want to offer reassurance nothing falls out of people’s mouths more naturally than “it’s okay” or “everything will be okay” (often accompanied by a pat on the back). It may seem counterintuitive, but this can actually be more upsetting to people following a tragedy.
Put yourself in the place of the grieving person. Let’s say you’ve just lost your husband, for instance. Things are not okay. In fact, in that moment, you may very well feel that things will never be okay — not ever again. So, hearing “it’s okay” only creates a disconnect, and even worse, may be perceived as…
