“I’m Sorry”: Saving My Humanity
Remember that famous line from the film Love Story from 1970, which says “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”? Well, maybe you don’t have to, but it’s probably a good idea if you do.
I know, just like an old boomer to bring up a film from more than a half-century ago. Regardless, sentiments like that quote might continue to resonate with many. Do you know someone who has trouble ever admitting they’re wrong? Or even the possibility that they might have been wrong? If you don’t, lucky you. Rest assured they are among us.
You might wonder, well, what if I am NOT wrong? They were the ones at fault. Why should I apologize instead? But you see, it’s not really about apologizing. To me, saying sorry, or words to that effect, is not about guilt or right and wrong. It’s about humility. It’s about my relationship with someone who is also human. It’s about humanity. My humanity.
Perhaps it’s my cultural upbringing. I was brought up in a culture, and continue to live in one, in which saying you’re sorry is not an admission of guilt. It’s what you do to make things more reconciliatory. It’s what you do to help the other person feel better as well. At little cost to yourself. Of course, if someone else has done something very seriously bad, I won’t say sorry to them. Like if they punched me in the face or something. But most of life’s interactions are not that momentous, in my experience. Most of the time, we’re talking about something much more trivial. Sad to say, though, that my culture is gradually changing to one less accommodating. People are becoming more absorbed in themselves, and much less invested in relationships and others. We’re becoming more individualistic. And I think that’s a bad thing for society.
Now, I know there are many cultures where one is brought up to never apologize. Never back down, no matter what. Saying sorry is a sign of weakness. Well, that’s too bad. I think it’s probably likely, too, that those cultures are also more prone to violent interactions. People are more confrontational and things quite easily escalate. And at the end of the day, when people stop and think about what just happened, it was perhaps over something inconsequential.
I’m not suggesting we go around apologizing to people for no reason at all. I just find that often times prefacing a statement with a sorry calms things down. Makes opposing views more palatable. Life is less adversarial. I just choose to chill.
If the other person is one who never admits they’re wrong, why don’t I just walk away instead? Why bother easing into a conversation? Why bother smoothing things over? Well, I know someone who’s exactly like that. And that’s one of her flaws. But who can say they themselves don’t have flaws? Who among us can claim to be perfect? You just take the bad with the good, no? As stubborn as she is, she is also a caring and rather selfless person. Does that not count for something? Besides, who am I to speak of others’ flaws? There’s a picture of me in the dictionary next to the word flaw.
That’s what I mean when I say it’s about humility. It’s about humanity. My own humanity. 99.99% of the time, it really doesn’t cost me anything to say I’m sorry. Again, not an apology. Look at it as a soft violin playing in the background, while you’re enjoying a lovely dinner. It’s there to relax. It’s there to put you in the mood. Life is too short to fret over trivial things like who’s right and who’s wrong.
So, love means never having to say you’re sorry. But you should.
