Second-grade homework assignment: Interview your mom for Mother’s Day. Make up your own creative questions about anything you want to know about her.
I thought my son’s questions would be a great way to share my Author’s Bio on the publication, @ILLUMINATION.
My answers, however, have been slightly edited from the original interview.
1. What’s your favorite color?
Very important lead-off question, buddy. Plus, it will provide you with some valuable insight into how a woman’s mind works.
I am drawn to blue visuals. I prefer navy to royal. NOT baby blue! Not robin’s egg blue either because that is closer to green.
I mean, I do like green, sometimes, but that can go downhill FAST and you can end up with lime green, or worse, seafoam green. Sage is pretty. Hunter has its moments.
I like to wear black. But, I can’t possibly proclaim that black is my favorite color. Because you know what will happen? People who paid more attention than me in 5th-grade art class will point out, with their pinkies up, “Black is the absence of color.” You’ll hear that a lot in your life.
Yellow is fun to be around. You know, like sunflowers and lemons. Red can make a statement, like a red lip, or when you are covered in blood. But it can also make you angry, supposedly.
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Final answer: Purple.
2. How Tall Are You?
Again, an amazing sequence of questioning here, dude. I stand at a mere 5'1".
However, fun fact, most people are surprised to hear how short I am. That must mean I am intensely intimidating and threaten others simply by my overpowering personality. Rawrrrr.
Just kidding. I’m socially awkward and usually interject something completely irrelevant or randomly sexual in conversations when I feel uncomfortable. Don’t ask.
3. What’s Your Favorite Thing To Do?
Oh, that’s easy! Homeschool you, darling, during a global pandemic, of course!
Besides that, I love turning thoughts into words.
I love to start a major project — with fierce ambition — only to get bored and entirely abort the mission for a few months. Or forever.
Does anybody want to see the first two pages of my honeymoon scrapbook from 2008?
No, I never finished your damn baby book.
I love to trace my hand with sidewalk chalk.
I love to make my bed.
I love to bookmark recipes and never cook them.
I love shopping for greeting cards.
I love wrapping presents. Gift bags are for the weak.
I love dusk.
I love happy hours.
I love singing to loud music in cars.
I love a good rage cleaning session.
I love watching cats sleep in sunlight.
I love a good stretch.
I love a good laugh.
I love raising you and your brother.
4. Why Didn’t You Say Daddy?
Oh, right. Him. And I love spending time with Daddy. Good catch, buddy. ;) We enjoy turning on a TV show and falling asleep immediately. Every night. Forever. Marriage is fun.
5. Who are You?
Okay, wow. We’re getting bit philosophical now, huh? Who are you, Plato?
Who am I? Huh. Who am I? I’m 24601 (anyone?)
This is a tough one.
I think I am who I need to be at the given moment. Right now, I’m a mom answering questions for my son’s school assignment.
Later, I’ll be a wife checking in on my husband who is working during the lockdown.
This evening, I’ll be a friend dropping off a birthday gift for Miss Christine. If it’s sunny, perhaps have a (socially distanced) glass of wine with her.
I will need to be a daughter sometime today too and drop off groceries at GG’s house.
It’s when I write that I can be my most authentic self.
I think that’s why my writing is so hard to categorize. I was just talking to Kristi Keller about this. I have no niche. I’m so damn nicheless, guys. :(
- When I needed to share my parenting anxieties, I wrote this.
- When I needed to forgive my past, I wrote this.
- When I wanted to simply get weird and lament about pubic hair during quarantine, I wrote this.
- When I was feeling conflicted as a mom and a modern-day woman, I wrote this.
- When I wanted to give TMI about the inner-workings of my marriage, I wrote this.
I was pleased to stumble upon J.J. Pryor’s totally fun listicle yesterday, “100 Personal Thoughts About the Medium Life.” He is a popular writer, but in #75 even he admits to having no niche. So there.
I write what I feel like writing. Some days it’s funny. Some days it’s serious. Some days it downright insane.
So, that should answer your question. Who am I? I am a potpourri of a little funny, a little serious, and a little insane. Got it? Good. Next?
6. Would you Rather Eat Poop or Throw Up?
I get asked this question a lot.
I’ve got to go with poop. I can handle a poopy diaper like a pro. Cleaning up puke though? Yuck. Where’s your father? Not home? Go find a neighbor.
You know what? Just leave it. The smell is more tolerable when it’s a few hours old.
7. What is Your Favorite Food?
Favorite food? I’m full from eating all that poop.
But, let's see. . . it depends on my company. See? Women, sheesh!
If I’m eating with you, I love having a pizza night. With ice cream sundaes after, of course.
If I’m eating with my friends, I love sushi or sharing a bunch of different appetizers.
If I’m with Dad, I don’t care what we eat. I just like to be out of the house with someone else cooking, serving, and doing the dishes.
I miss our date nights. Do you miss your babysitter? We should FaceTime her later.
8. What is Your Favorite Movie?
Nothing transported me away more than Moulin Rouge with Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor from 2001.
It had all the right elements working for me: music (from all different eras), Paris, history, scandal, a hopeless love story, costumes, cheese, like so cheesy I got dizzy. . .
And it had a struggling writer, who believes in truth and beauty.
Plus it introduced me to Rufus Wainwright with this heart-wrenching song.
And, now I’m officially distracted. . .going to watch a movie real quick. BRB.
9. What is Your Favorite Thing To Write?
I was wondering if there would be a writing question in this interview. I had to slyly sneak some modest plugs into Question #5. I guess that was for naught.
My favorite thing to write is anything that gets me in the flow. The flow is when the words come out exactly as my mind intended them. It’s a mind/hand connection. And the result is spectacular.
No erasing. No backspacing. Just beautiful creation.
I can easily tell when I go back and reread my old pieces which ones were written in a flow state and which were written because I’m a writer and wanted to publish something.
My favorite piece written on Medium, which didn’t do that well, was written in a deep flow state, all in one quick sitting. My thoughts went to weird pockets of my mind and this story just poured out.
I found it to be so tragic.
My friend read it and thought it was hilarious. I didn’t intend it to be funny, so her interpretation intrigued me even more about the piece.
10. What is Your Favorite Candy?
Skittles. Duh. Red to be exact. But they don’t make me angry.
And, a very special thank you to my son for conducting these excellent interview questions. I am proud to be your mommy, sweetie.
Emme Beckett is a Top Writer in Parenting. She has been featured in The Bad Influence, The Haven, Fearless She Wrote, The Ascent, Live Your Life on Purpose, The Post-Grad Survival Guide, Home Sweet Home, ILLUMINATION and A Few Words.