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Is Elon Musk a Real-Life Bond Villain in the Making?

Like many people, I used to love Elon Musk.

Souce: Giphy

There is nothing like a young, seemingly ethical, slick tech entrepreneur emerging from the crowd of cigar-smoking, pinstriped, white male billionaires in a profoundly disturbing world.

I watched as Elon created Tesla and made electricity storage easier. He discouraged fossil fuels and gave people hope. In his search to save humanity, he said that he was sending us to Mars. I thought the idea was extreme, but it’s something. At least he is trying.

Then I heard about his idea to turn Mars into a breathable atmosphere.

According to Business Insider, Musk believes that by hitting Mars with thousands of nuclear weapons, the planet’s polar ice caps could melt and release vast amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which would essentially create a greenhouse effect that raises the temperature and air pressure of the planet — like a really quick version of climate change.

When I first read this, I made one of those laughs that precede a solemn face. He is joking, right?

Source: gfycat

That’s the thing about Elon, isn’t it? How do we know when he is joking and when he is serious? In the case of nuking Mars, he suggested that his company would be creating t-shirts with the words’ Nuke Mars’. From an average person, it’s 100% a joke. With Musk, though, you are never really sure.

This multinuclear explosion plan got me thinking about the similarities between Elon and Dr. Evil from the movie Austin Powers.

After all, Bond Villains are never created evil. They all begin with the greatest of intentions.

It is only later that their madness kicks in and gets out of control. Doesn’t this sound like something that a deranged psychopath would do? Of course, it’s all for the sake of the human race. Get into the villain's head though, and you find he has visions of himself in a giant red cape, sitting on a throne as the Emperor of Mars.

It’s not like Elon came from such humble beginnings — something deemed necessary by psychologists to create a balanced human being. Musk was born into a wealthy family, the son of an emerald miner. He had a disturbing relationship with his father, citing “He was such a terrible human being,” and “My dad will have a carefully thought-out plan of evil,” “He will plan evil.” (Rolling Stone)

I hate to point this out, but Musk is 50% of that evil man’s genes just waiting to come out and turn to the dark side, yielding his power for evil instead of good.


Sure, Musk has rewritten the book on electric cars and space travel.

Perhaps when Elon first spoke about these things, people thought he was either mad or all talk. Now they have been achieved, maybe those same people who know Elon well are looking and thinking, what the bloody hell will he do next?

Shouldn’t we hope that his plan to detonate millions of nuclear weapons on mars is nothing more than a joke?

Source: imgflip

Elon’s behavior around cryptocurrency is surely not a good sign.

It began with Telsa buying $1.5 billion in Bitcoin. What came next was nothing short of bizarre.

For many people, Bitcoin was still a speculative asset at the most, a geeky phenomenon at best. So serious investment was never an issue — until Tesla bought in and began to accept it as payment. This endorsement gave many people, including families, a security blanket. It acknowledged Bitcoin as a real thing and gave them a good reason to invest.

Perhaps they began to have second thoughts when the man behind this sane investment started getting heavily behind Dogecoin instead. Still, it wasn’t a problem until Musk announced (on the only place for official corporate press releases — Twitter) that Tesla would no longer accept Bitcoin due to the environmental concerns of mining.

The news sent Bitcoin crashing hard. Its newest investors found themselves in panic mode as they regretted getting behind Tesla’s move. Word spread that Tesla was pulling away from Bitcoin despite announcements to the contrary.

At first, you could question if Twitter was the place for such sudden, important news. Secondly, you must question Tesla’s own environmental record.

I mean, they are saving the planet on the surface.

Still, over the years, there have been accusations of poor treatment of the Indigenous population surrounding a lithium mine in Argentina, a dirty source of graphite from China, and cobalt mined under harsh conditions (Inhabitat).

Let’s not even begin to talk about the carbon footprint of SpaceX.

So why would he decide Bitcoin is so bad now? Could it have anything to do with Joe Biden’s plan to expand the electric vehicle sector? Who knows?

Still, just as the whole thing began to blow over and crypto started to recover slowly, Musk tweeted again. This time giving Bitcoin investors the news they had dreaded — that Tesla had dumped their Bitcoin. This created a nightmare scenario where Bitcoin went into freefall and any leftover investors who had followed Tesla into the currency watched as their life savings plummeted. The continued freefall was proof that people were selling Bitcoin. They were out.

A whole 30 minutes later Musk tweeted again.

Just Kidding’.

Perhaps it was his previous few days spent rehearsing and performing on Saturday Night Live that had got him in the mood for some high-impact economic comedy.

One can only wonder whether he was sitting behind his desk stroking a white cat and laughing his knickers off as kids’ college funds were rapidly turning to dust.

These kinds of actions don’t seem like those of a rational being to me. I’m not saying that Musk is evil and pretending to be good. What I am saying is that you have a look at any villain origin story and there are aspects that are very similar to the life of Elon Musk.

Perhaps Elon will prove me wrong from here on in. Perhaps he has realized that his bitcoin’ joke’ was an absolute dick move of the highest order. Perhaps his plan to detonate millions of nuclear weapons on Mars is also a joke.

Maybe we shouldn’t be scared that this ‘eccentric’ billionaire is currently working on technology that controls people’s brains remotely.

I still like Elon.

This whole article is a joke. But, it is one of those jokes, like Elon’s nuclear Mars plan that we should keep an eye on.

So for now, I am continuing my training every day. Because if Musk starts wearing grey suits and has a pale, bald head and a furry white cat, someone is going to need to put on some shagadelic glasses and do something about it.

Image: Pinterest

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Frank T Bird

Frank T Bird

Former British citizen sent to Australia for crimes I didn’t commit. As yet unenlightened. Buy my books you bastards: