Ketamine Therapy Has Been Both Rewarding and Challenging
But the challenge is worth it
Recently, I tried out ketamine therapy to see if it would help address my depression and anxiety issues. Ketamine is a dissociative drug that can help a person detach from their normal way of thinking, leading to an altered state of consciousness. There aren’t really any hallucinations in this altered state of mind like there are with the classic psychedelics. It’s more of a dream-like state, but the imagery and thoughts that come up have more of a coherent structure than normal dreaming.
It is very difficult to describe the experience in words. I find it to be very relaxing and my train of thought is straightforward and linear, unlike an edibles trip. There is also a certain feeling that I experience that words cannot fully describe. The best way I can describe it is that it is a feeling of connectedness, empathy, and calmness. I find it almost impossible to be depressed or anxious in this state of mind.
In this altered state, I’ve found that I’m able to look at personal issues in a different light than I normally can. Overall, I would say my experiences were extremely positive. But there was something that came up repeatedly that has been surprisingly challenging for me to integrate.
The Rewards
One of the biggest insights I’ve had from my sessions relates to how fear is constantly ruling my life and other people’s lives. There are many different types of fears and all of us express these types of fears to different degrees. Here are several of the big ones that come to mind:
- Fear of the future/change — This can lead to anxiety about many things, often relating to events that haven’t happened yet but are out of a person’s control.
- Fear of losing control — Humans, in general, do not like to feel powerless. A person who expresses this fear very heavily may try to dominate others in relationships. This fear can also lead to a person becoming close-minded, as ideas that don’t align with their own can threaten their sense of identity.
- Fear of missing out — This relates to the need to fit in with the group. This fear may pressure someone to partake in an activity that everyone else is doing, even if that activity doesn’t resonate with them personally.
- Fear of scarcity — We live in a very materialistic society, at least in the U.S., so this one is always in the back of most people’s minds. Most people want to have a certain level of wealth and social status so that they feel accepted by their peers.
- Fear of failure — A major reason why we might not take action in certain areas of our lives. Taking a risk and failing at something could lead to pain and hardship, so people who are especially afraid of failure will seek out security and stability in their life.
- Fear of being taken advantage of — This can lead to trust issues with others. Often, people who are the most afraid of being taken advantage of will take advantage of others as a defense mechanism.
- Fear of rejection/judgement — This can lead to difficulties in forming intimate relationships and opening up to others about your true feelings. It often manifests itself as social anxiety. A big one for me personally. It also pressures us to follow social norms and suppress our true nature.
- Fear of being alone — We are social creatures so we all express this one to different degrees. It can lead a person to become clingy in their relationships. Additionally, modern society offers us so many ways to distract ourselves that many people are not comfortable being alone with their own thoughts.
- Fear of death — This is the ultimate unknown. We don’t know what comes after death, so it can be scary to think about. It’s also probably the most primitive of all fears. The biggest goal of all forms of life on this planet is to survive.
A typical person will integrate many of these fears into their personality over time through traumatic events or experiences, even seemingly minor ones. Often, when a person is being influenced by one of their fears, they won’t experience the physical symptoms (sweating, trembling, etc.) that are typically associated with fear (think of a pathological liar who is afraid of telling the truth). Instead, these fears often exert their influence from the unconscious mind, outside of the person’s awareness (unless they try to fight back). In general, most people will become more fearful overall as they get older unless they take conscious action to face and dismantle the fears that they have integrated into their unconscious mind over the course of their life.
A lot of the fears listed above have some degree of overlap with each other. You could say that the overarching driver of all of them is a fear of the unknown. Everyone expresses these types of fears to different degrees, and the degree to which each fear rules our life has a huge impact on the decisions we make, the relationships we seek, and how we present ourselves to the world. After seeing what I saw during the sessions, I’m starting to think that these fears are responsible for the vast majority of the human personality on an individual level. They are the reason that we all feel separate and disconnected from each other.
A repeating theme from all of my sessions so far is that I can see what other people, including myself, would be like without any of these fears. The dissociation that comes with the session allows me to experience an alternative reality of sorts where I don’t have any fear or anxiety, but I still have a sense of self. I’m then able to interact with different people that I know in my imagination, except they are also without their personal fears.
The interactions that “we” have are quite interesting. First of all, the amount of trust that I have with my imaginary friends, as I’ll call them, is on a whole different level. I literally have 100% trust in them and they trust me back 100%, too. The last time I felt like I had close to this level of trust with other people was when I was a kid. Even then, it still does not compare to the level of trust I experience with my imaginary friends during my ketamine sessions.
Because the trust between us is so great, I feel like I can open up about anything to them. I normally have social anxiety, but in this state of mind, I have no fear that anything I say will be taken the wrong way. I have no reason to hide anything, and I know that the person I’m interacting with has no ulterior motives or malicious intentions of their own. The interaction between us is just so pleasant and flows so seamlessly. There is a lot of joy and openness and I feel very much in the present moment. But it is also very relaxing. Normally, I treat my social interactions kind of like a game of chess, but that mentality is completely gone in this state.
The most bizarre thing is that sometimes there are points during these interactions where I forget who I’m interacting with. Everyone that I know seems to just merge into a single personality. That is the best way I can describe it. I really do think the fears that we have accumulated throughout our life are what makes us all separate from each other. They are like filters that mask our true personality. Without them, we all would be completely open, joyful, curious, relaxed, empathetic, and trusting. Basically, we would be like very happy kids.
The Challenge
It’s going to sound weird, but the same thing that I liked most about my experiences is also what has challenged me the most. As I mentioned earlier, during the sessions, I’m able to understand how people, including myself, would behave if we didn’t experience any fear. The problem is, this realization is just too much of a good thing for me. When I come back to normal reality, I just feel disappointed in how everything really is.
For one, I don’t feel the same way I did during the session. In the sessions, I’m able to see myself communicating honestly and openly with other people without the fear of being rejected. But when I come back to normal reality, that fear comes back. It really screws with my ability to form strong relationships and be authentic with people. It’s such a deeply ingrained fear of mine and I’m not sure how I can dismantle it.
Other people are also nothing like I see them during the ketamine sessions. As I’ve mentioned before, I think that most of a person’s individual personality can be attributed to the fears that they express. My conversations with people in normal reality just seem so disjointed and inauthentic now. I think it is our fears that are causing this. They cause us to hide who we truly are. And this causes trust issues. If I trusted someone 100%, I would be able to share anything with them. But unfortunately, this is not the case with anyone I know. And as a result, conversations feel stressful to me because I don’t feel like I can be my authentic self around people. And it only seems to get worse as I get older since most people, including myself, are continuously integrating new fears over time (or adding more bricks to the wall, as Pink Floyd would say). I think this is a big reason why most people slowly lose their enthusiasm for life as they get older. They lose touch with their true self.
Final Thoughts
I’ve gained a lot of new insights from my experiences with ketamine therapy, including the ones I’ve mentioned in this article. I realize now that the only person who can dismantle my own fears is me. Nobody is coming to save me. And I cannot save anybody else from their fears. But if I am able to address many of my fears and let my guard down around other people, then I think the trust between us would grow, and they would feel more comfortable letting their guard down as well. But I realize that it’s going to take a lot of work and patience on my part.
As much of a challenge as it may be, I’m glad I’ve been able to catch a glimpse of how life could be without any fear in the world. I’m hoping that this is where human evolution eventually leads to. A world where nobody is afraid of anything and we can all trust each other. We might be closer to that reality than we realize. But each of us must be willing to put in the work.
Author’s note: I should highlight that all of my experiences with ketamine have been in a therapeutic setting. In a therapeutic setting, the dosage of ketamine that is administered is carefully controlled based on the person’s body weight and other factors. I also had guidance from a professional, who helped me set intentions before each session and helped me integrate and process the thoughts that came up. I also listened to binaural beats during each session, which definitely enhances the experience and helps to create a calm and relaxed mental state. I would discourage anyone from using ketamine in a recreational setting since the drug has very different effects at higher doses and can even lead to overdose. Ketamine also has addictive properties at higher doses and can easily become a drug of abuse, just like any other drug.
