Life Is Not A Balance Sheet Of Good Vs Bad
After crossing paths with death, I’ve come to realize that there is no rhyme and reason attached to your good karma with sudden tragic events
I am a morning person. Everything that drives my motivation and energy happens in the morning. Just like that day, when I got up early around 6 am, to find myself wheezing out of chest congestion. I have strong lungs, not because I run a marathon, but because I don’t smoke and am quite a walker. The congestion was noticeable, and fear of breaking my voice in the middle of the lecture held me to cancel the schedule. Again my productive anxiety has turned out a frenemy that keeps my productivity at the toe. To avoid missing other lectures, I went to see my family physician who vouched for my heaving oxygen and thriving pressure of blood.
With a sigh of relief and some meds, I returned home to have half-day rest and resume back. I really looking forward to my virtual workshop-How to overcome writing mistakes! Mistakes? A word, that I personally feel, should share the definition with the word ‘perspectives’. Why? Because the mistakes that we commit share their genes with ‘willful ignorance’ and other ancestors. Well, I too chose to commit the mistake of ignoring my inner voice. I chose to turn deaf to my wheezing lungs and discount it as a ‘common cold’.
Well, it well-nigh turned out to be a fatal mistake in the span of two hours, I was carried like a gunny-sac to the city hospital, simply to be declared ‘dead’ out of pulmonary embolism. To fill in, PE is a condition with an almost near-zero survival rate, medically.
The long story cut short, I was dying when I was prepping to live. Simply put, I was 38 and was learning to live without regretting life.
Life suddenly came to a cul-de-sac. Finally, after wading through muddy, suffocating waters, I was seeing the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’, and guess what? Someone above, superior and powerful and generous than you, me and planet decided to switch that light off. I wanted to shout my lungs out, ‘not yet, please. I started loving my life recently. Also, I want to embarrass my son and daughter growing younger while they grow older. Insidious information, by the way, I was proudly and popularly known as their sister, given my genetic ability to look younger, defying the age. Even at the age of 38, I wasn’t cracking. Despite my sense of humor, my good deeds(At least I believe and world historians can vouch, that I’ve never been a part of any homicide or terror attacks. Neither have I ostracized a murder plan.
I’ve heard my religion saying that ‘Good Karma awaits good results’!!
We as humans strongly believe that everything that happens around us, good, bad, terrible, disastrous happens for a reason. Furthermore, that is the result of your actions. Further, furthermore, they also say that life is a balance sheet of evil and good. For some it’s a boomerang, that shoots back! I never threw that boomerang to shoot back with the gift of death. A death that was supposed to witness my young handsome son trying to be brave enough to tell people that, no matter what his mum was surviving this too.
When I say that karma is in default and rhymes and reasons of good and bad are not exactly fair, I don’t say that I am unfaithful. It’s in question, not that I don’t like to be faithful, but mostly it depends on how things occur and disrupt my life. All the more, I have started believing that life is horrific and beautiful. While I was in a coma, people unknown and rarely known poured in. Friends and family were there buzzing and praying intensely for my revival. It was an amazingly clingy feeling that I wished stayed with me forever.
Unbelievably there was a tide of prayers and good wishes in parts of the world where people knew me. I call it ‘Love’. It was a rare feeling of serendipity to know that your revival mattered huge. I was floating in that love when I revived. My husband, who loyally nursed me was told that our good deeds were paid off. But what I saw was undiluted, uncontaminated love that has nothing to do with my faith or karma. At that moment when I was overwhelmingly loved, I was scared of losing those precious moments of rarity. I was also scared of my own heart, which can move past good and bad, and I call it resilience.
Today when I fire my laptop to write down the accounts of that love and reasons, I feel lost again over the immortal questions. Do people always have a fair square of their deeds?
Do good people always get good shot of boomerang?
Why do people say good people are tested more than bad ones?
Now I believe that these questions are framed wrong?
Our hearts always want to find rhyme and reason, because we have evolved that way.
Instead, I have started cherishing life. The life I get to live with my handsome son, and my beautiful daughter, without much worrying about the rhymes and reasons.
But of course, returning back the love that I’ve received in my own little ways.