Living with the Feeling.
Sometimes we hit phases in our lives when all we want is peace. Like wanting to wake up in the morning with an empty mind, with a feeling that everything is alright and there’s no more fear, no more flashbacks or past to linger. Usually, these phases can put us in places of extreme discomfort and make us avoid those things. I am currently in such a phase myself and I’m dreading every part of it. I am scared to face the trigger, to continue my daily life while feeling these intense emotions. The last few mornings have been nothing but nervous and sweaty, there’s been no sense of peace or enjoyment but a preoccupied mind. I would call my friends and family after returning home, crying and exhausted and just asking the same question(s) over and over again.
I know this will end, I honestly want to believe it but when will this end? Will I feel better? Everything will be alright right?
Everything will be alright right? This question can always bring me to tears, the pain and suffering can get too much sometimes, and just the memory of calling my mom, my sister, and my friends and asking this same question can be painful (in fact I have asked this today itself)
I genuinely want to believe that things will fall into place, that everything will be alright. I’m yet to heal properly. I haven’t healed yet and the pain still lingers. There’s a sort of loneliness that comes with pain. A pain that others can hear about but only you can feel. The heaviness of being alive and the thoughts of not opening your eyes again can be some thoughts that we may not really believe in but in those moments it can feel the best way out.
I’m not going to say it’s all going to be fine or the things which all of our loved ones usually say. What I will say is that you aren’t alone with whatever you’re dealing with. Our circumstances may be different but we are survivors since we continue to live. Take your time and cry and lie in your bed till the sun goes out. Don’t rush, there’s no need to distract or quickly move on or catch a vacation. Do whatever makes you feel better. Try to escape through pages (books/journals) than any sort of addictive substances and hopefully, as all say, time will have our back. Reach out for help whenever you feel and do not isolate yourself in this scenario. Take rest and let me and you both remember that healing isn’t linear, healing takes time and most importantly healing sometimes means facing the tough thing while sometimes choosing not to do it for peace of mind. There is no right or wrong way about this.
Remember
This is your life and you choose the tune you wish to hear and sing and if you wish to be silent for a while then let there be silence. Let us try to be kind to ourselves and I will try with all of you too. Hopefully one day I’ll be writing a blog looking back at this time. Thinking god,
I made it through!
