Master This Leadership Skill and People Will Follow You Anywhere
How many times has a boss or your spouse said, “you are not listening to me?” Many of us know those comments well. A few years ago, someone said the opposite about my listening skills. At the end of coaching retreat, someone I had been coaching said, “David is an extravagant listener.” I was shocked.
You Can’t Lead Others If They Don’t Feel Heard
One of the most powerful ways to lead others is to create, what I call, “safe, sacred space,” This allows those we lead to be themselves and speak freely. Why do I call it “sacred space?” When someone shares their thoughts and feelings about a difficult situation at work, their trust in you becomes a treasured gift. We hold this trust and vulnerability carefully, as if someone were handing you a sacred relic.
When we are in the presence of another person, we have a choice to make. Will we fill the conversation with what we want to say? Will we fill it with our thoughts and plans for that person? Or will we ask thoughtful and curious questions that will give them permission to reflect. When a conversation feels safe, amazing discoveries occur. During extravagant listening, others discover the buried gold in themselves, their situation, or on their teams.
Listening So Others Feel Seen
Every human being is a mysterious and complex amalgamation of the physical, emotional, relational, intellectual and spiritual. We listen and read facial expressions, body postures, and countenance. Extravagant listening conveys a non-verbal invitation for them to be themselves. We also convey a non-verbal message that they are important and what they have to say is of value.
Think of each person as a beautiful Monet painting in process. In their role at work, each person is becoming their true self on their own unique journey. Who are we to say who and how someone else should be? Who are we to say how far along they should be in their journey?
Being Aware of Others’ Stories
Listening is embracing the fullness and mystery of each person. It is about being hospitable to this unique person in front of us. We can’t see the story they bring to work every day. However, they never enter our presence without their story, or the old narratives of where they have been. Some are in the midst of beautiful, heroic narratives that inspire and propel them forward. Others are in the midst of a great drama or tragedy we know nothing about. Most leaders don’t have the luxury of knowing other people’s stories. However, effective leaders are always aware and curious how someone’s story may impact them at work. When I was a corporate banker at Bank of America, my wife and I were going through a period of infertility. We were having numerous doctor appointments. It was invaluable to have a manager who was understanding and sympathetic to what we were going through.
Listening to the Spaces Between the Words
When we listen to others, we hear more than words. We hear things they don’t say. We listen to the spaces between their words. We listen for whispers that sound and feel like they come from another time and place in their story. Everyone comes to work in their past and present stories, whether we like it or not.
Listening so others feel safe may sound like a strange idea, especially in the work place. Is it really any of my business if someone doesn’t feel safe around me? That is not my fault or problem, right? Besides, I am their manager or boss, not their counselor. Why does safety matter in a work context? If I speak and behave in a way that makes others feel unsafe, they can’t hear what I am saying. If they can’t hear what I am saying, they won’t follow my lead. They can’t follow my lead because I am creating so much non-verbal noise. They go to fight, flight, or freeze.
Do you have a desire to see powerful growth and transformation with those you lead? If so, you need to learn how to become an extravagant listener. You can practice this powerful leadership skill at work and home. When you start your day, or before you enter your Zoom meeting, stop and state your intention. You can practice this simple intention at work and home.
“I intend to be a curious and fascinated listener to each person I experience today at work and home.”
People who listen extravagantly become successful human leaders. Human beings respond and engage in the presence of extravagant listening. It gives others full permission to be themselves. When they are themselves at work, they create and contribute to the company to their fullest capacity.
If this article resonates and you want to learn more about how to become an extravagant listener at work and home, email me.
Let’s connect. Let me listen to you so you can become the most effective human leader possible.
