Me, Evening Sky And You
A Thoughts Pop Up In My Head
People like us exist. Introverts like me On this overcrowded planet, we exist. I’m like a quiet soul, just lost in the beauty of the evening. Sitting on the balcony, just watching the evening sky. It’s a magical time when stars begin to appear, each one twinkling to life as if they’re sharing their secrets with the world. I can see the streetlamps with their yellow and white lights. The leaves of the trees begin to turn dark and lose their hue. As the sun slowly sinks below the horizon, an alioth of darkness approaches to wrap the earth in its arms.
I’m sitting on the balcony, contemplating. Thinking of me, thinking of you. Thinking of me, myself, my flaws, my failings, my weaknesses, my mistakes. I’m alone in the midst of the ocean. Everyone else is moving forward in life, but we are people like me , us, stuck in one place.
I want to ask those people, do you really enjoy being alone? Or is what Jodi Picoult says about being alone true?
“If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” — Jodi Picoult.
Yeah, it sounds true for me. I don’t know about you. I’ve tried everything hard, mostly in relationships. I don’t know why I always wanted a good relationship, maybe because I don’t have friends. Like real friends who actually know what’s happening with me, a friend you can roam outside with, meet daily, share food, share dreams, share stories. I have some pals, but they don’t need me on their sunny day full of happiness. I’m not allowed to be friends with them on certain days. They were planning to go outside; Pandel hoped for puja festivals, movie nights, and watching cricket games at the ground. But I wasn’t invited, perhaps because I’m not a charmer. When the beautiful day is done and night falls, they remember me.
Now I’m tired. I just cut connections. Yeah, they call when they need me. I don’t pick up, or sometimes I just reply with a message. Sometimes I help them. Maybe that’s why I crave good relationships where I can pour my heart out, where I can talk about anything, where she and I are one, where I am her essential part, and where she is my necessary part of life. But that hasn’t happened. She just vanished when her dark nights were over, and she didn’t need the candlestick for her bright future.
It’s happened a couple of times. Now I’m lost in a sea of thoughts. This is the vast ocean we carry. Ocean of thoughts. Ocean of possibilities. Ocean of probabilities. I simply try to repair things in my mind. I try to fix everything in that ocean. I try to think of every way I can be with her. But now I’m a lone wolf. I only see my mistakes.
I only find flaws in myself. I can’t blend in now. When I look at myself, I see everything bad, my looks, terrible. Thought pops up in my head, there are so many beautiful guys out there, why would she or any woman want to talk to me or be with me? Thought pops up in my head, Why would any women talk to me when there are so many articulated guys out there who can converse attractively? I am not a great speaker. All I can do is listen. I could stare into your eyes a thousand times. I can only hold your hands and sit for hours on end. Thought pops up in my head, Why would anyone want to be with a man like me, who is a failure, who doesn’t have cars or a lot of money, and who isn’t the type to go to nightclubs — unable to pay lucrative ample amount of money there? I am the type of person that enjoys going to see the mountains and rivers that flow through the forest. I’m going to sit there and let the river wash over my feet. I’d want to join you there. I’d like you to recite some poetry for me.
I’d like you to sing there. I’d love to share a glass of white wine with you at a forest cottage. Birds are twittering there, and patches of blue sky can be seen through the tree leaves. I’d like to see a sun beam on your face, and I’d like to kiss you on the lips. Maybe someday in another life. People like me have been reading this, will understand.
Stars are bright now in the sky. The wind is blowing gently, like a soft hug. The moon, which is like a big glowing ball, is playing a game of hide and seek with fluffy clouds. I’m the only one here, just watching everything, everybody. Suddenly, I feel like even God must be alone like me, just watching everyone. He probably doesn’t have friends either, because people usually only think about God when they’re having a really hard time and need help. Nobody wants to be His friend. Everyone considers God to be the Savior, the Messiah, and the Supreme Being. Maybe God just wants our love, or maybe he just wants to share his narrative with us. We simply perceive him as a machine capable of producing anything. We just want to redeem happiness, money, luxury, and every materialistic item, and we wish for these things from him on a daily basis; perhaps he is also feeling a little tired right now. So, it’s like God and I are in the same boat, feeling alone, and both of us are looking up at the moon together.
