Meeting him
She had to hold her heart and stop her pace for a minute to compose herself soon as she neared the train station, soon as her eyes fell on him at a distance her lips curved up under the mask she was covering. Aisha murmured to herself under the mask reminding herself not to act goofy and to scare him or make him nervous. She wasn’t feeling nervous or shy but rather it was a yearning for her to see him once, but what made her sad was why they were having a meet up in the first place.
She took steps towards him, her eyes not leaving his face for a second at the person who was looking around. The moment she reached him, she sat right next to him, Aisha didn’t know why he stood up as soon as she sat next to him. Was he self-conscious?
“You can sit”, She said looking up at him. He took his seat leaving inches between them. Aisha lowered her mask as the train station wasn’t crowded, due to the pandemic it was safe for both of them.
She hadn’t blinked since she settled her gaze on him, forgetting the very reason why they were here. Her lips curved up in a smile as she took in every little detail in his face. It was ONLY HIM who existed right now for her. She was making herself a fool but she never minded it because it was in front of him.
“What?”, He whispers seeing the way she was looking at him
She shakes her head smiling, “You know I love your eyes just these eyes”, she said biting her teeth acting all goofy.
In her head, she knew what she was doing right now was wrong, so wrong but still, she decided to go along with her heart for once,” Your moustache, like you know the corners of it twisted up is my favourite” she further continued making him look down and wear the mask again. He was smiling under his mask she just knew it. He could gulp down his emotions but his eyes never lied. Those eyes were looking right at her but he looked as she caught his gaze. She just couldn’t take her eyes off him. After all, she possessed so much love for this man.
The train did stop at their station. She got in first followed by him. He sat right next to her. She sat close so that their shoulders could slightly touch purposely. She knew internally what she was doing was wrong yet she wanted to feel the closeness at least once.
“So what, did you want to talk?”, his voice broke her chain of thoughts
She smiles and looks away sadly before passing a look at him as she speaks with a sad smile “The man I wanted to love and marry is right next to me — something I wanted since long”, she gulps and looks away before saying “Not mine”, that was the only thing that was running through her mind, not hers it hurt so badly.
“This won’t work Aisha”, it hurt her when he said those words looking into her eyes. Why did his eyes speak of language she knew that was different from what his lips were muttering? His eyes showed love, she can never go wrong.
“Let’s take it as it isn’t meant to be”
“It is not that Rahul — you don’t want me”, she looks away swallowing her words down her throat. It hurt her like hell as if he was stabbing her with a knife.
Aisha grips her phone so tight with both her hands. She was scared the urge to hold his palms were so instilled in her.
“Show your palm”, she whispers moving her head closer to his, with a smile under his masks he shows her his palm “Why?”
“See how small is mine from yours”, his hands were bigger and rough. She knew it without even touching those palms. She wanted to tangle her hands with his that was the only wish she had at that moment. To have his palms in hers. She loved him so much that she couldn’t put it in words.
“I want you to be happy and chill — don’t depend — ”
“No I aren’t depending on you — what I have for you is different but I don’t depend on you”, Aisha replies quick.
“I know — what I am saying is be happy like chill Aisha”
“I told you to come to scold”, Aisha tells with a chuckle looking right into his eyes stopping him from talking. He had his arms tight around his chest. He looked so perfect in a black t-shirt and a pair of pants, so good just like the way she liked him. He looked so attractive to her eyes.
“So scold”, Rahul replies raising his eyebrows. It had been months since she had been in love with him. It wasn’t like she never confessed. She went ahead and told him how much she wanted to be his, only his but it wasn’t mutual. He took time to think and he did tell her he had feelings for her but with a ‘ this might not work out.’ It wasn’t that she wasn’t able to take the rejection. There was much more to the story.
“I can’t now”,
“Why is that?”
“Last time it was easy because I was angry but today-“
He cuts off her completing her sentence “It is because I’m talking today, if not you would yell”
“No- not because of that — your eyes- how can I scold looking into those eyes that I love so much?”, she was being goofy yet she didn’t mind
“Ahaan!” came his reply
“Yes,” She smiles looking right into his eyes without blinking. She was acting too goofy. This wasn’t how she had planned the meet-up. She was supposed to tell him she doesn’t want him but what is she doing now? Acting all goofy? How could she not? This man next to her was something to her.
She looked away, her heart pondering at the thought that soon as the journey stopped this would come to an end. She wanted him to be there always right next to her travelling with her in their journey of life. She wanted to be his, only his. She wanted to hug him and cry to him asking him not to go. Even though he was looking to the front, her eyes never left his face even for a second.
“I can see you watching me Aisha — why are you looking at me weirdly?” ,
She swallowed her tears before looking away shaking her head.
“I love you”, she whispered looking back at him again.
“What?” he asked back as he couldn’t hear because of the masks they were wearing.
“Look at me” she smiled getting a bit closer.
“I love you” a silence of few minutes followed. They were so close — looking into each other’s eyes. This moment and him that was what she wanted in life. She knew it the moment she sat next to him. This is all that she wanted in life. He was her life, not just love — life, her life that what she would define him as; but was she his?
“I do appreciate it — and maybe” that was his reply. He could mask his emotions well yet how can his eyes lie to her? His eyes mirrored the feelings he had for her, it is just that he was refusing to acknowledge it. They were sitting so close yet it felt so far as if it was a huge distance. She wanted to melt in his arms. Was it too much to ask for? All she wanted was to place her head on his shoulder and hug him as tight as if to never to let him go.
“I wanna hug you so tight right now”, she spoke out her thoughts out of nowhere taking him by surprise as he looked at her again.
“No-don’t just wait”, came his reply
“Do you think I will?” She asks a little excited
“Maybe — I don’t know”
Her hands gripped the phone as tightly as possible when the time neared for him to leave. She wasn’t the one to act so goofily and romantic. Heck, she wasn’t the one who cried for anyone like anyone, yet as the time neared for him to get down before two stations all she wanted to ask him was to stay. She gulped her tears even when he asked “What? “,
“Stay –please just a few more minutes ’, all she asked was a few more minutes with him –that was going to be last with him? why did it hurt her so badly? Why did it feel like a part of her was leaving with him?
She wanted to hold him by his arm asking him to stay with her just a few more minutes yet her eyes teared up.
“Don’t cry”, that was all she heard before he got down from the train right in front of her eyes. That was it — end of their journey. She was controlling her tears. When he was leaving she couldn’t bear the pain. The thundering that roared up was what she was feeling inside. Her heart was breaking into pieces, she wanted to cry so loudly asking him not to leave her. That twenty minutes ride with him made her so happy, like so happy — it was bliss simply. She knew what she wanted and was longing for in life. It was him. She had always put his happiness before hers and it was the same. It was as if he was taking her happiness along with him. She knew he didn’t want her. But can she call it life — a life without him? It broke her, even more, to think about it. Her stubborn heart wanted to run to him asking him not to leave her. Why couldn’t he love her as she did? It broke her so much — why was she unlucky in love?
She cornered herself to the window seat. She was wrecked inside. Life wasn’t supposed to be this unfair. He knew that she loved him precisely like he loved his ex. Then why couldn’t he love her? at least by five percentage? She wasn’t asking for too much, right, then why?. All she wanted was for him to stay for a few more minutes. She was already cherishing that twenty minutes with him. She ran her palm over the seat where he had sat. She didn’t know but she was already having tears running down her eyes.
Would it have hurt him as it hurts her? Would he have the same feelings? The pain she was feeling from separation?
She got down from the train and walked along her footpath. She kept looking around hoping he’d come running back to her. The rumbling thunders and the drizzling rain weren’t taking away her pain. Soon as she got home, Aisha ran to the washroom. Before she knew it, she was on the floor crying, her hands around her mouth so that her mother didn't hear her crying. This wasn’t what she was supposed to feel. Why? why?
She was going to let him go, yeah she did but how can she forget the love she has for him? The amount of affection on that one man. One man her heart yearns for? He was and is always going to be a blessing to her. Why couldn’t that blessing be hers, only hers? Why was she unlucky?
When she had questioned him if their paths would cross again would he look back ?, he had replied: “I wouldn’t ruin things for you”. Why couldn’t that man understand that he was nothing but a blessing for her? all she wanted to do was hug him tightly and tell him he meant the world to her — her only world.
“Come back to me please” she cried weeping under the shower, her tears unstoppable, after all, heartaches are not always easy. Her stubborn little heart still hoped that the train would pass by her side and someday maybe he’d come back and she was ready to wait until her little stubborn heart accepted the fact that he might never come. But the love she had for him was never going to leave her heart. She was going to love him from far — He above anything for her anyway and any day. If it made him happy, she was going to stay away, that’s it.
“But-” She gulped pausing “Would he have the same deep pain? And happiness when he was with her that twenty-minutes?”, She’ll never know “Would he forget her so soon? Didn’t he at least want her once just as she did? “.
Why did her heartbreak with these thoughts? He would forget her so soon and maybe find someone but why did it feel like someone was stabbing her heart with a dagger? She wanted him to be happy after all. He was hers — as much as she wanted him to be happy, she couldn’t take the thought that someone was going to love him maybe more than she did and he would be giving so much love to that girl? It wrecked her to think that lucky girl wasn’t her. Why was life so unfair to her? He wasn’t hers — not hers and that killed her. She didn’t want to be someone else’s, just his. Only his! Maybe in a few days, she would just be a memory for him, but her, he was everything only that he failed to accept it.
All she did was love him, love him so much. It was him her eyes found attractive in between so many people. Her eyes longed only for him just like that little girl who was forever excited by the sight of the moon and not the stars.
