FLASH FICTION
Missing Presence
People don’t see me as I am. My essence is always overlooked. I look in a mirror and see someone. But this person I see is not what others see. I speak and my words drift into thin air, lost. I could be nothing. I walk around, all smiles, and talk to people but I’m not really there. I find myself repeating myself endlessly.
And yet, people talk over me and turn their attention to something else. I empty. I flinch and retreat into the hollow of myself to remind myself I’m someone who exists, someone who exists and matters.
I walk. I sit. I can feel the anger coursing through me. I feel cool and warm at the same time. I sit without moving a muscle. I’m stock-still on the outside. But inside, dangerously hot blood runs through me and moves up to my head. I firmly keep my mouth closed so that the bitterness inside me doesn’t overflow. So this is what they mean by “hot-headed”. I have a temper but I’m good with concealing it. Better yet, if I’m numb and unfeeling, I won’t realize how angry I am and have been.
Exhaustion overtakes me and often gets the better of me. I lose myself to darkness and let myself be enfolded by the warm, familiar cocoon of sorrow. I don’t confront it or evade it. I let it have me whole.
I regard him with disgust. I wordlessly stare at her and just walk away. I shake my head and try to forget what just passed my line of vision. I close my ears.
Too often, life is hard to bear. I’m overwhelmed. My hands shake and I drop things. I lose my grasp on reality. I’m not in control. So, I close my eyes and shut out everything and everyone but myself. Then, I’m malleable to whatever life throws at me because I have to be.
Those I want and cherish the most leave me. They came and went but embedded bits of themselves in me. Through their eyes, I know I’m not good enough. Silly as it seems, I justify why they left and try to reform myself into a version they would have liked and maybe, just maybe, would have stayed for. Should they come back, I’ll be exactly who they wanted all along. I’ll belong, perfectly.
