Musings of a Tech CEO
To be clear: The following speech is satire.
It’s a pretty jaded rant about layoffs, stock buybacks, and companies jumping on the AI bandwagon for no other purpose than to artificially drive hype. After years of reading through fluffy earnings call transcripts, news articles, and annual reports, I just had to put this piece out.
StunningFrontiers Inc: Investor Day Presentation
April 2024
Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed investors, thank you for being here today. It’s always an honour to stand before you and share the vision of our company, StunningFrontiers Inc, a vision that is not just ambitious, but transformative.
We live in an era of unparalleled technological advancement, an era where possibilities are limited only by our imagination. And here, at StunningFrontiers Inc, we are on a mission to revolutionise the way humanity interacts with technology. As you all know, we are not just imagining the future; we are building it, brick by brick, line of code by line of code.
For the past two decades, we’ve been on a relentless journey, driven by a singular purpose: to change the world. And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, we are just getting started. That is why today, I am excited to announce some significant changes that will further propel us toward our ultimate goal.
First, my dear investors, let me assure you, our commitment to efficiency and shareholder value remains steadfast. Over the past few years, we’ve seen tremendous growth. We’ve expanded our team, developed cutting-edge technologies, and established ourselves as a force to be reckoned with in the industry.
However, with growth comes the need for optimisation. Efficiency has been the core backbone of our operations (ever since we received a shareholder complaint letter from Activist Investors Capital six months ago.) As such, we’ve made the difficult decision to initiate major restructuring initiatives to streamline our operations, including a series of layoffs. Now, I know this may come as a surprise to some of you, but please understand that this decision was not taken lightly.
These layoffs are not a reflection of the hard work and dedication of our employees. On the contrary, each and every member of our team has played a vital role in getting us to where we are today. However, as we look to the future, the layoffs are simply a necessary step to ensure that we remain agile and competitive in today’s market. We shall cut the fat and emerge stronger, leaner, and more profitable than ever before.
Also, you see, efficiency isn’t just about cutting costs; it’s about doing more with less. And that’s where AI comes in. Artificial intelligence is not just a tool for us; it’s the key to turbocharging our growth. We’re leveraging AI in every aspect of our business, from product development to customer service. And let me tell you, the results have been nothing short of spectacular.
But AI is just the beginning. We are constantly pushing the boundaries of what’s possible, developing revolutionary new technologies that will shape the future. For example, as many of you may know, our state-of-the-art Quantum Hyper-Intelligence Super Duper Mega AI (QHISDMAI) will reshape the future of work when it is launched.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering when you’ll see these technologies come to fruition. Well, let me be frank with you. Our journey to greatness is not without its bumps, and yes, there have been some delays. Due to some unforeseen technical challenges, we’ve had to push back the launch date by one more year. But rest assured, this time is different. The wait is almost over. The QHISDMAI, first announced in 2018 to launch in 2023, then 2024, then 2025, then 2026, will finally be launching in 2027. I promise. (And I haven’t broken a promise since I said the same thing last year.)
Now, let’s talk about acquisitions and divestments. In the past year, we’ve made some strategic moves to improve business synergies and strengthen our position in the market. And let me tell you, these moves have paid off. We are more competitive than ever before, and our future has never looked brighter.
But of course, all of this takes money. And that’s why we’ll continue to issue shares to fund our capital investments. Yes, it dilutes your ownership stake, but it’s necessary for the long-term growth and success of our company. And let’s not forget about stock-based compensation. It’s a necessary incentive to attract and retain the best talent in the industry, including yours truly.
Now, I know what some of you might be thinking. “When will we see a profit?” Well, let me tell you, we’re closer than ever before. In fact, we’ve already turned a profit on an adjusted adjusted EBITDA metric (no, that’s not a typo. That’s adjusted EBITDA, adjusted for the cost of maintaining our offices. See, with so many of our workers working from home, our offices are basically a one-off expense.) And GAAP net profitability? Well, that’s just around the corner. (As it has been for the past five years.)
Despite the challenging macroeconomic environment of the past few years, StunningFrontiers Inc. has emerged stronger than ever before. We’re uniquely well-positioned to succeed in the future, and I couldn’t be more excited about what lies ahead.
In conclusion, let me reiterate our unwavering commitment to changing the world, one line of code at a time. Together, we shall forge a future where technology knows no bounds, where efficiency reigns supreme, and where shareholder value is king. Thank you, and may the algorithms be ever in your favour!
Let me explain myself. I think AI has massive potential for society. But it is a broad umbrella term with many risks and nuances. And some companies have just been hopping aboard the AI hypetrain just for the sake of fluffy publicity — that’s the type of company this speech is directed at. Further, some of these tech companies continue to promise revolutionary new technologies — which seem to always be around the corner, but never in sight. At the same time, many have initiated layoff programs in the name of efficiency after massive over-hiring in recent years.
This isn’t a criticism of any particular company (though as you read through the speech, certain companies probably came to mind). It’s a broader criticism of Corporate America. For all the suits, MBAs and glamour, it’s often surprising how incompetent, crowd-following, and mistake-prone executives can be.
