My 26th birthday without wings — 2024
Tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, and today is January 26th. As the first child in my family, I am also the person who celebrates their birthday first every year. My birthday has always held a special place in my heart. It’s a time when the year is just beginning, filled with greetings from family , friends, and relatives, as well as gifts, photos, and celebrations.
However, this year feels different. It’s the first birthday since my wings were broken, and I know they will never grow back.
I have a few friends who might greet me at midnight, but the first person who always greeted me was my father. From a young age, he was there to shake my hand and wish me a happy birthday. He used to buy me new clothes when I was young, and as I grew older, he would give me money to buy whatever I liked. My father has raised me to the point where I can now buy whatever I desire. However, no matter how much money I earn and hold in my hands, the joy I felt when my father gave me something is incomparable now.
Now, as the clock shows 5:46 PM, I close my eyes and reminisce about how my birthdays used to begin, how we celebrated, and how I took pictures with my family. I fondly recall the beauty of my father’s smile as he wished me a happy birthday, and the feeling of his warm and rough hands. It may be embarrassing for me to say and maybe you have felt the same way. Before, I used to take my family’s greetings for granted because they were always there with me. But now, I realize how strong and loving those greetings are spicially my father’s one. I find myself eagerly anticipating my father’s greeting. I miss waking up to his wish of ‘Happy Birthday, Seeththa.’(Seeththa is my nickname, used only by my family members.)
Usually , we would cut a cake at night, take photos, and exchange gifts. There are five of us — my mother, father, sister, brother, and me. These photos are precious memories, especially now that I understand we may never have the opportunity to take a picture together again. Celebrating without my father feels unimaginable. Yes !! he passed away on April 17, 2023. My parents were the ones who taught me to dream without limits and to soar beyond boundaries.
In my current state of sorrow, I ponder whether to share these feelings in an online article. Overwhelmed with tears and not wanting to burden my family with my feelings, I reached out to a friend and my uncle, but neither answered my call. I know everyone has their own busy lives. From a young age, my only habit has been to write something that breathes life into all my feelings, and that’s what I’m doing now as well. I write these articles because I’m alone, unable to speak out loud. I know that no one is going to read this with interest or understand it, but I need to pour out what’s in my heart somewhere! That’s why these articles exist.
I might open them again in ten years or maybe even after 50 years, and I’ll still feel the same pain. I am well aware that my writings are alive with emotion, and only I can truly feel it.
If I had the power to time travel and change the course of time, I would give my very life to make that change. But I have come to a conclusion - no matter what happens, I must not do anything that would lead me to yearn for such time travel in the future. The weight of this realization is heavy on my heart. The thought of altering past events, to possibly erase some of the pain or relive moments of joy, is a tempting fantasy. Yet, I understand the importance of accepting life as it unfolds, embracing both its beauty and its sorrows. This acceptance doesn’t come easily, and I often find myself wrestling with the ‘what ifs.’ But I know now that living in the present and cherishing each moment as it comes is where true strength lies.
I’m aware that time can mask pain but never truly erase it. These written words are my companions, encapsulating my feelings that may remain just as poignant in ten or even fifty years. I know my writings are alive with my emotions, and they resonate deeply within me.
Whether you see me as a friend, a sister, or just someone you know online, I want to share one thing with you. Cherish every moment that unfolds in the present. Treasure the golden times you spend with your parents, siblings, or friends as deeply as you would etch them in your heart because they are always with you, you may not realize their true value. But when the day comes that you can no longer see them, the pain is unbearable, and enduring it is almost impossible. It’s pointless to only awaken to this realization afterwards.
What I am sharing with you is from my own experience, give your parents the highest form of love you can, starting now. This will lead to a life of fulfillment and contentment in your future.
