ILLUMINATION
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ILLUMINATION

SELF

My Greatest Fear.

No, not spiders.

Photo by Tim Trad on Unsplash

Fear, in my opinion, is a universal emotion. Not happiness, not sadness, fear. It is with great heartache that I bring you, from the deepest section of my mind, my greatest fear.

Last week, I was in a meet with my class (as a student). Topics were finished while time remained, so there was time for some fun, and in typical 2020(1) fashion, we asked each other questions. One of them asked ‘What is your greatest fear?’ Most people answered something along the lines of failure or death. I was awestruck. I could not have answered and if I did, I do not remember. I was deep into my thoughts.

A few months ago, I watched Vsauce’s last ‘Mind Field’. It was titled ‘What is the scariest thing?’ The answer he got to was through scientific explanations and extensive study. I was never going to fear Carbon Di Oxide the most though.

I dig through my thoughts just like I did during the game. I couldn’t have imagined what answer that thinking gave me. Well, I could have, I have thought of it before. But, you get the point.

My greatest fear, in simple words, is not being able to do what I love. And, by extension, whatever I love. Let me explain.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Since I was a child, I had one dream that stood out among all others, to have a nice and soft grassy pitch to play football. We don’t have many of those in India. I was pretty sure I would be able to play on one of them at some point, and I was happy. But, a thought then occurred to me. What would happen if I get old and couldn’t play anymore?

This question haunted me for years. You might feel I am being sarcastic or exaggerating my emotions, but that is not the case. I have grown very weary of old age. To face that I cannot run anymore will be a hit so hard it would ruin my life thereafter. I cannot even imagine the emotional pain that goes through a differently-abled person. I simply can’t. In the last year or so, I have loved more things, like reading, listening to music and writing. Now, I have even more things that are at risk of going away forever. What if I suffer hearing loss? or a loss of eyesight? I am not ready for it.

Photo by Josh Appel on Unsplash

Also, due to this fear, I am always in haste. I want to start everything today. I want to start a blog, a company, my degree, building my house, everything needs to happen today. Or, as most people say it, as soon as possible. I am in a hurry because I feel like I do not have time. I have to do everything before 28 so that I can enjoy my next and last 12 years of physical peak.

This seems so trivial when I write about it, but not being able to play and be active is somehow very discouraging to me. I fear it so much that I have regularly planned the age by which I will be able to do what I want and then do something that makes me not realise that I cannot, in fact, do what I want to. Like committing a crime and being in jail, or simply committing suicide.

“Oh, so you fear old age”

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Yes, I do. But, that isn’t the thing I am talking about here. Old age scares me like a hungry anaconda, but not more than this simple thing- lack of freedom, whether applied by others or by my own shortcomings. I have better things to do than to fear old age when I am years away from it. This, though, can happen at any given instant. I like to think I will be fine until 40 at the least, but who is to say? What makes me think I will not be the next casualty in the CoVid-19 pandemic, especially when I am in the most severely affected state of the most severely affected country at the moment?

I am stupefied by the number of people that are scared by failure. You are living a healthy life at the moment and if you cannot tolerate a simple no, without considering the monetary or otherwise loss, you are not doing it right.

But what am I doing to combat this?

As I mentioned earlier, I am in a hurry. I am trying to do everything I want to before time runs out for me. I am, still, in constant fear but at least it makes me ever so slightly more productive. Ever so slightly more determined to finish my work and try a bit harder, to get what I want just that tiny bit earlier and hopefully before the clock stops ticking. Before time stops to matter and influence me.

Anyway, that was my greatest fear. Let me know yours in the comments and why.

That’s it then!

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M.A. Mercier

M.A. Mercier

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I am MA Mercier. I am interested in anything and everything! I am here to write about things that amaze me, things I am curious about.