My happiness depends on myself, and not anything around me.
Happiness is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Just like everyone else I have good and bad days. Except for me, it is extreme. Every time I am really good, I’m REALLY good. Then the next moment it’s like a crash landing alert.
It’s quite weird actually. To be honest, I still haven’t completed this journey and I don’t think I will for a while.
I talked to my therapist about it around a year ago, and she pointed something out to me that I never really thought about. She said and I quote “your happiness should never depend on something other than within yourself, not your money nor your successes.”
Wow. I thought to myself, I was speechless. Right there I had to stop myself and reflect on everything that I have gone through the past eighteen years of existence.
I have only come to thought, each time I feel happy is only when I accomplish something. My happiness relied on the awards, acceptance letters, and making money. I wasn’t happy on a daily my whole junior year of high school, because the only thing I thought about was how much of a failure I am.
My t-shirt business failed, I was going out all the time because I felt like I needed to fill my life with something, and I didn’t know that my dream college would accept me in a few years. But the moment I got that acceptance letter, it’s like I allowed myself to be happy then. When we should just strive to be happy no matter the salary we earn or what party we get invited to.
All the moments in-between all of the exciting great news, I was miserable in my own head. I lied to myself that I was okay, that my anxiety wasn’t a thing, that I am dramatic and sensitive. But that just isn’t healthy.
So I took it upon myself, to not put my worth on excess stuff. I still am not there yet. It takes time and healing. I started writing things about my own mind that I like, and where I want to grow so I can live my life happily. Literally growing from the inside, not allowing myself to get the pleasures of the world confused with my happiness.
Starting my day with gratitude has been the biggest piece for me. Learning to starve my ego and feed the soul with good words, either from the Bible, self-help books, my favorite shows, or movies. Gratitude about the smallest things surprisingly goes a long way.
To be honest, I thought this whole being grateful thing was weird, and cringy to a certain degree but I believe as I matured, it was most definitely not a bad thing to be grateful for so much in my life.
My own sense of gratitude has led me to be happier on a lot of days, and focus on healing to be happy.
